Relationships Blog

Online and Off Relationship

The Vacuum of a Breakup

January 15, 2018

What people are totally unprepared for when a breakup occurs is the vacuum.

Now a spot that has always been filled is gone? That hollow feeling, which repeatedly screams something-is-missing eats away at any resolve that constituted the breakup originally.

Vacuums are uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Being a free ion probably is uncomfortable. Whenever there is a need to break, whether it be with a career choice, a significant other, a geographical location that is loved, anything that we considered ours and part of our identity ...now missing, gives us that hollow feeling.

Some people are so distressed by it that they will return to a bad situation just because it is better than the vacuum they feel inside. Abused women and children have been known to do this, men return to a bad job all because their identity can not stand the vacuum. Their identity has been painfully depleted.

This is when an imagination is important. Create a new you. That image might initially be missing a leg, but it will walk. That hollow inside is very noticeable but you have to remember...Nature abhors a vacuum. Something will come fill it. Be cautious what you let fill it, because usually it is very nearly the same as you escaped.

We often do that. Grab the familiar, and put ourselves in the exact same situation. I do it as well. (gasps)

Vacuums are opportunities to choose again. Remake yourself again. Being comfortable with a vacuum is a difficult thing. I wish I could give you an easy solution, but I can't. Recognize the vacuum. Mourn the lost, and be very choosy as what to let replace it.

Life wouldn't be fun if it were easy, so enjoy the journey.

Hugs,

Pam

Honeymoon of New Relationships

February 14, 2018

When a new connection is made life is a whirlwind. Trying to make your significant other happy. Hoping that as they get to know you they don't hit an impossible roadblock. (Nope, I can't be with someone that clips their toenails in bed...type thing)

It is as stressful as it is exciting. Will the rough edges of the two of you eventually interlock? Can he/she be everything they are portraying? Are they lying? Playing you? Are they just a leech and will run out on you when you can not provide any more stuff? All those thoughts run constantly in the back of your mind as your emotions and desire for the ultimate fairytale relationship continue to race to the infinity sign of the universe. This has GOT to be IT!

There are those that find a perfect relationship and ruin it with all their questions and fears. How can you get past that knowing at any moment it can all come crashing down on you?

My solution: Nothing is perfect. People change. For every "Hello" there will be a "goodbye". (even if it ends at the death bed) So there you have it.

"What?" you say? That is a very dismal attitude. No, it is a very freeing attitude. It allows you to forgive in advance the eventual demise of that honeymoon closeness, which will come.

The honeymoon phase of any relationship will shift and change. Nothing can ever be the first kiss, or first orgasim with your new partner. People remember firsts. Once you have gotten past that you have other things to discover, but they will be different. It is a good thing to understand that.

Once you make up your mind to attempt a merging, live it to its fullest. Do not question yourself. You have chosen a leg in your maze of life, some will be good, some will be bad. Nothing will stay the same, but this is an exciting journey. Don't dampen your full engagement with this experiment to play with doubts and troubles that have not arisen yet.

Too many people are doing the "Well, I will stick my toe in the water." not fully committed to exploring, discovering, changing and merging. Guess what? If you only give a bit...you will only get a bit. That is something no one wants. So give it your all. In for an ounce...in for a ton, good, bad, or ugly you are choosing this path. If it crashes and burns, that is ok because you forgave in advance.

It then becomes totally freeing. Enjoy this upswing of feelings. Know that it most likely will end and certainly change. But many things end. The roller coaster ride ends; the last bite of the banana split ends; your favorite book and movie end...none of those endings will stop you from choosing to engaging in them just because they will end. Why should you require infinity for a relationship to be true and worthwhile?

Engaging with life shouldn't end, until your life ends. Be comfortable with being the fool, because that step off the precipice will be one hell of a ride. lol

Enjoy the journey! Hugs, Pam

Pronoun Relationships

October 4, 2018

So "I" is the most often used pronoun these days, with the "Its all about Me", social media craze.

There are good things about taking ownership of your own feelings and stating them clearly.

"I would like you to take me to dinner." "I feel ignored."

Taking ownership of your feelings is better than accusing. "You don't love me." ...but that's a whole other blog post-plus in itself.

But how can you use pronouns for identifying if there is potential relationship possibilities?

It's amazing as I talk to contacts, family and my own relationships what there is about Pronouns, especially when there are problems needing solving. When do things switch from the independent identity to a functional couples identity?

1. A guy that says, "Don't worry about it. I will take care of it." Is a dominate relationship, meaning you must always subjugate yourself to him. That's awesome if he is competent, and never-growing-up and playing princess the rest of your life is your goal. However, that won't stay the same. He will eventually want a new younger prettier princess, or you might develop an interest and competency that makes you need his say so less, so he loses his princess. So for long term this might not be the relationship to seek.

2. A guy that constantly says, "You handle it." Well, he is either supportive of your growth, or he is lazy. He is thinking that the problem isn't worth his effort. He is either dismissing you or he is living in his own fairy tale world where your main concern should be about him. If it is not about him than handle it yourself, even if it is about your joint residence or children.

This might leave you seeing the back of his head while he is watching sports, video games or left for the golf course. This could very well be the guy who wants to sleep with his mom. In other words, he is only interested in the perks of the relationship. He is not interested in fulfilling obligations or promises. If you wish to "take care" of someone all your life this might work, but don't plan on ever being appreciated for doing so.

3. Then comes the out-of-the-blue guy who when you express a problem he says, "We'll work it out." He uses the plural! OMG, he is taking the position that between the two of you there will be ways to make things work. No longer is it You or I, but We! That is the first sign that couplehood is plausible.

Sometimes "WE" is said but it is still you that has to work it out. If you find that happening all the time it can be a delusional play by guy number two as he fools himself that he is contributing, so still watch for that.

So the bottom line is look for the pronouns. There is only one out of 3 options that might work.

Enjoy the Journey!

Hugs,

Pam



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