Pronoun Relationships

by Pamala Clift (1st posted Thursday, Oct. 4, 2018 2:57 pm)

What do pronouns have to do with relationships?

So “I” is the most often used pronoun these days, with the “Its all about Me”, social media craze.

There are good things about taking ownership of your own feelings and stating them clearly.

“I would like you to take me to dinner.” “I feel ignored.”

Taking ownership of your feelings is better than accusing. “You don’t love me.”  …but that’s a whole other blog post-plus in itself.

But how can you use pronouns for identifying if there is potential relationship possibilities? 

It’s amazing as I talk to contacts, family and my own relationships what there is about Pronouns, especially when there are problems needing solving. When do things switch from the independent identity to a functional couples identity?

1. A guy that says, “Don’t worry about it. I will take care of it.” Is a dominate relationship, meaning you must always subjugate yourself to him. That’s awesome if he is competent, and never-growing-up and playing princess the rest of your life is your goal. However, that won’t stay the same. He will eventually want a new younger prettier princess, or you might develop an interest and competency that makes you need his say so less, so he loses his princess. So for long term this might not be the relationship to seek.

2. A guy that constantly says, “You handle it.” or “Don’t worry it will all work out fine.” but turns things over to happenstance. Well, he is either supportive of your growth, or he is lazy. He is thinking that the problem isn’t worth his effort. He is either dismissing you or he is living in his own fairy tale world where your main concern should be about him. If it is not about him than handle it yourself, even if it is about your joint residence or children.

This might leave you seeing the back of his head while he is watching sports, video games or left for the golf course. This could very well be the guy who wants to sleep with his mom. In other words, he is only interested in the perks of the relationship. He is not interested in fulfilling obligations or promises. If you wish to “take care” of someone all your life this might work, but don’t plan on ever being appreciated for doing so. You become his “left arm”. In other words, nobody every thanks their left arm for doing what it is supposed to do. You are just an extension of him.

3. Then comes the out-of-the-blue guy who when you express a problem he says, “We’ll work it out.” He uses the plural! OMG, he is taking the position that between the two of you there will be ways to make things work. No longer is it You or I, but We! That is the first sign that couple-hood is plausible.

Sometimes “WE” is said but it is still you that has to work it out. If you find that happening all the time it can be a delusional play by guy number two as he fools himself that he is contributing, so still watch for that. 

So the bottom line is look for the pronouns. There is only one out of 3 options that might work.

Enjoy the Journey! Hugs, Pam

Reality Reply

If comments were allowed…

I watched a wonderful presentation between a physicist and a Buddhist over reality. I enjoy these discussions but HATE not being able to contribute or question. So I will use my blog to enter my contributions.

First the physicists made a wonderful observation that we see reality in layers and those layers do not separate those observations of existence but nest. They all have truth. The chair is composed of atoms and wood. It is a part of a stage design currently, part of the auditorium’s inventory etc. All those layers are still just one part of the story of the chair.

The thing that irritates me is when he claims he doesn’t know all but then jumps to …”Because I know ALL the forces of nature, there is no life after death.” Wait a second…what happened to I don’t know all?

When a person dies the physicists sees all the particles as deteriorating and concludes “that is all the person is”.

The Buddhist replies that observing the observer should be as intensely studied as any other tool the scientific community uses, which science fails to do.

I must go simply go to my metaphor. A square desk top computer is a solid, dissectible, physical thing. When there is no energy going thru it we are left with just particles. You can claim you know all the circuits, all the components and how they integrate with each other but you don’t know three important things.

1.       What software will be on it and will that software work? (the consciousness)

2.       Was the purpose of the box designed to run the software? Or just be a collection of components. (the body)

3.       Who or what thought it necessary to design a box? (intent or creator)

Matter is observable. Energy is partially observable, but only if we are able to create a machine that we properly calibrate and agree on a measurement language that science can document.

Partially observable, is the key. Functioning instrument language is the ONLY thing that we can use. If we don’t have that instrument, than the energy does NOT exist? Can anyone actually claim with any surety that something does NOT exist? That is a falsity in logic, until you “know all” which no one has ever claimed, you can’t know something is Not.

A behavior psychologist asked a question of the presenters about the duality of a person before a stroke and the totally different person that may exist after a stroke. I respond that a part of the computer box can break down, there can be glitches in the software, but that does not separate the box running that software from having the experience, nor does it preclude it from running only one piece of software.

Anyway, no one listens to me, but I believe just the creation of the thought pattern puts it in the human accessible database. It now will easier to tap into that information once the correlation has been made. Maybe I have expanded consciousness.

Anyway, that’s my story.

May you enjoy the journey of your software and delight in your ability to modify that story.

Hugs, Pam

Absolutes are Wrong…Absolutely…lol

There is division in the world. 

Your side/my side statements of facts that are absolutes. But are our facts absolutes? Does the division really have to divide us?

I have my guilty pleasures. One of them is occasionally binge watching on Netflix when I find a good show. My latest has been Madam Secretary. (Good show by the way, if not a little bit Cinderella in its ability to get to resolutions within the time frame.)

The thing that grabbed me is Madam Secretary wants “rainbows and unicorns for everyone”, but is not shy about being strong and saying no to people, but the clincher was that her husband is a religious ethics professor. Ooooh, we now have a philosophy component in which to examine current events. I’m in love!

The situations presented are complex. There are no total good guys or total bad guys. Everyone is a complex jumble of stories from only their frame of reference. Even the ethics professor is forced to compromise what he considers his absolutes in order to save lives.

What value are these absolutes to human kind? Absolutes allow us the freedom of not having to deal with the wall of our box, which we have created for ourselves. In other words, we have given ourselves permission “Not to Think” past a certain point.

Have you labeled a group of people BAD? That absolute then frees you to not take-in any further information about them or any individual in the group.

Take something simple like “I do not lie.” Seems like that would be a safe absolute. Anyone who is a good person should strive for that, right?

So if you are the priest being questioned by the Nazi’s as to whether the Trapp family is hiding in your monastery, you should just tell them the truth, right?

Absolutes are dangerous and often wrong. There is no righteousness about saying you’re absolute on any topic. You can say. you are absolutely trying to do what you perceive to be right. But then again, is your perception correct?

Where we focus is reality, at least for us. Give leeway to others for their stories and learn to forgive yourself and others for mis-perceptions. Heck, we wouldn’t even watch a movie if it did not have hiccups and drama. Can we expect our life to be any less intriguing?

We are all traveling a wonderfully complex intertwining of stories. Keep your walls thin and always seek to understand situations before falling back on the wall of your singular perception.

Am I right? Absolutely…lol

Enjoy the journey! Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philosopher)

Define Education?

We are in the dark!

I remember when I was young how totally excited I was to start another year of school! The smell of new paper, pens, pencils and the constant questions to answer!

There is no more of that. Education is in the DARK! No more pondering or questions. You now are only allowed to regurgitate. Sit there and repeat back what someone told you was fact. Then you are patted on your head and told you’re a good person. Repeat back facts the very facts that in 20 years won’t be facts. Repeat them on tests, in writing assignments and say them again… and again… and drone on and on at accepting someone else’s thoughts. NOT yours… you are not to have thoughts.

I picked up a grammar school science book from back in my day. The first few pages I scanned, again filled me with excitement. Not because it taught me anything, but because it asked me questions? It gave me something to do. “Go lie on your stomach in your yard and list all the things you SEE, HEAR, SMELL, TOUCH, and possibly see something you could taste or lick, like water off the grass.” That is exciting! Mostly because no one can tell me that I didn’t see, hear, smell, or touch those things. They were mine to own. My own observations. My own thoughts. I am valuable because I can perceive and share with others what I have experienced.

Now the drones are not allowed to have experiences. Only those we have labeled Great are allowed to state facts. They will never know what I saw while on my belly in my yard… why am I not valuable for MY observations, just as well as they are with theirs? That seems to be education’s purpose now, to remove individual validity.

Proof of validity is only accepted as numbers! Numbers? Really? Numbers are a human language created by humans to try to convince others of the observations they experienced. “I counted 24 sulfate on the slide.” that is a fact. Oh, Wait… maybe that is a separate drop, maybe it is 25? Or those clustered together might just be one droplet? So maybe it is 19?

Aww but we finally make a decision that the count on the slide is 22. Ta Da! Now THAT is a FACT! However, experiential observation and a human’s interpretation were just as much involved as “The sun was shining most of the day.”

A single person’s rendition of an experience, no matter how well articulated is not a fact. It is just anecdotal and dismissed. “You didn’t see that!”, There is no book or PhD that will collaborate your observations, hence you are constantly told of your invalidity.

Now THAT is Education? If you buy that…. 

You are of value. Your observations are valid. Now putting those observations in an unbiased story that you recognize as YOUR story is the purpose of life. Understanding what you have observed and experienced in multiple contexts, that is education.

Enjoy the journey.

Hugs, Pam

(The Roadside Philosopher)

Trump Grandparent Expectorate Disease

Not Again!

You know how it is with new grandparents? 

“Oh, Look how cute he is!”, “Isn’t that adorable when he drools like that?”, “Oh he ate his peas for the first time today.”… on and on they go about every fart, movement, or owie.

Everyone can only take so much of listening to every success, failure or boo boo the new baby has just done. We all try to find something else to do, or appointment we suddenly need to attend, to get away from another rendition of bodily activities of their new arrival.

Well that would seem somewhat logical if it was the Republicans chanting on and on about their winner… but it is not so. 

Democrats have become Trump Grandparents spewing out every little body movement, belch, conjecture of intent… “Oh, he is so going to be the worse (fill in negative expectorant here).”  I have to listen on the news every possible conjecture about the new addition to our government. They are publicity overloading Trump. HE doesn’t matter. What happens with our country’s laws and their impact does.

What is worse is I can’t even go on social media to see what my friends are doing without getting opinions on every movement, stance and speculation about their darling little fart.

Keeping constant awareness of the “new arrivals” next body-bowel movement is NOT NEWS, NOT desired and of no value.

The best thing for the USA is to talk about the issues and not the joker figure that symbolizes worse fears. 

When did we get so figure centric that “The Person” not what is happening becomes our major topic. What does that say about us as a citizenry?  Are we only capable of talking about Entertainment? Superficialities are the ONLY thing we can focus on?

Great Minds Discuss Ideas; Average Minds Discuss Events; Small Minds Discuss People (A quote often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but is under question). The bottom line is this pretty much labels correctly where are thoughts are and the level of effectiveness they render.

My liberal friends and my conservative friends need to work on what we can do about the changes in our government. If money to our favorite charity is being cut, let US step up and help cover it. Since when is the Federal Government supposed to be all things to all people. Why are we giving money in taxes so we have NO SAY on how it is spent.

Please focus on OUR journey and enjoy that journey. I know I am starting small, but I am running for city council. Get involved and lets make things work.

Hugs, Pam

(The Roadside Philosopher)

The Game of Plausible Deniability

It saddens me when it takes sooo much work to help people understand and see “The forest for the trees.”

This is a critical skill, especially in today’s political roller coaster with perceptional “fake news”.

You have all heard me say my one phrase of wisdom I have learned in my life. “We do not Live for Reality; We live for our fantasies….Enjoy Yours!”

I am about to lay out some words that hopefully will not offend on a topic that perfectly displays the title of this blog. “The Game of Plausible Deniability”. The subject matter I will use to illustrate it is Ultrasounds on fetus.

I was chastised at work for congratulating a patient for choosing NOT to have an ultrasound. I mentioned how mental problems like ADHD and Aspergers seem to have a direct correlation to its use. Well that got me reamed by the corporation, when the patient had miscommunicated, and she had gotten one. She then decided to make me the bad guy for sharing with her that information since it made her feel bad, so she gave the place a bad review. Hmmm…

The corporation claimed for every negative research I found they could find something that disproved it. Ok let’s go through this step-by-step.

1. Follow the Money: This is always the first thing in the search for truth.

How many horrible occurrences have happened because a drug or procedure was claimed safe and rendered to women only to have the difficulty be shown later in births or children? 

Corporations follow the cigarette campaign steps of plausible deniability

     First-claim it is safe

     Second-claim there is not enough valid research and make no effort to research their own product. 

     Third-if demands for data increase, hire scientists to manipulate results (since they are paying for the data it comes out as they desire—I have witnessed this process first hand. Not by all though).

     Fourth- then as data and results can no longer be denied, express their concern that they got different information and still claim no fault due to ignorance and avoid prosecution.

This is a normal spin situation that is a well-known corporate methodology. Keep the product in the market as long as it can receive a profit. 

2. On the other hand….There is NO advantage to any researcher to report a white paper that goes contrary to convention. It has hurt many scientist, as they get black-balled, since the money for their research comes from either the corporations directly or Federal funds that also are used to validate the status quo. 

It is definitely a horrible occurrence for researchers to have scientific proof of something that they have tested and retested but then have their research squashed because a large corporation goes with the plausible deniability game. 

Corporations have the money to move their search results to the top of Google. They have the money to hire the less scrupled scientists. They can pay to flood the search results with ? opinions to push down the real white paper research. 

I personally met one of the PhD students that worked on one of these many studies as he expressed his deep-seated belief that their research was valid and families were being denied the correct information due to suppression from “Those with money.” 

His heart was sincere and his desire to get the word out was painfully apparent with his only motivation being altruistic. 

3. What Science Is: Scientific method is simply putting out a hypothesis and then testing it. Control groups…blind control groups all sorts of ways to test. But can anyone TEST with a control group how much an ultrasound diminishes IQ or mental agility? 

To do that you need two exact same subjects. Meaning two exact same mothers with the exact same child, one uses ultrasound and one that does not. Later test the IQ and mental agility of each child. …And you would have to do that multiple times to get sufficient data to validate. 

Well that can’t happen. So there can NOT be any real validating evidence saying that it is safe. All that can be done is say, “Well I am sure it is safe. Look at the cute picture.”

The only way that it can be used is blindly throwing the product out into the world and then AFTER the FACT, correlate data. That is what my PhD student and his mentor had done. It was definitely statistically relevant beyond speculation. But instead it was squashed.

The entire population of the world is being used as the experiment, and they are still trying to deny it.

4. What IS Ultrasound? It vibrates and heats so that it can be photographed. It sends the sound waves and receives the echoing waves. 

We have a fetus that is growing at phenomenal rates with cells splitting and dividing and restructuring into a complex human being. Then we stir up this process at What point in time? How many new functions are growing, splitting and configuring just at that moment? 

I’m thinking scrambled eggs here…

Yet vanity, lack of research and greed leads us to pretty pictures… and there you have the society of today. Make it look pretty, play the game of plausible deniability and do whatever you wish to extract money.

5. BTW there is research with mice now that says they have used control groups and have seen deterioration in the mice that had undergone ultrasound, but we are still getting our pretty pictures and we are still getting children with less mental capability. The poor parents that have an Asperger child are drained of all resources, but you still won’t see any give from the corporations. Even some of the ultrasound associations say that they can not claim that no harm will happen and discourage use unless medically needed.

Maybe I am cynical or maybe I am a realist… You choose. 

Please just be aware of your journey and turn no decision over to the masses, corporations or politics. They all have something to hide, gain or manipulate.

For my political friends. One side is boisterous and doesn’t think about the consequences of what they say… The other side has mastered the subtleties, but BOTH manipulate. They are living their fantasy, as are we all. 

Be conscience of your decisions, not compulsively following.

Enjoy the journey.

Hugs, Pam

(Roadside Philosopher)

The Story Motivates!

Your story…

I may be a little redundant here but like I always say, “We do not live for reality; we live for our fantasies!”

We make up stories to give our lives meaning. Once we have a story it doesn’t even matter if it comes true. It becomes who we wish to be.

Here is a picture of Coral Gardens in Homestead, Florida. A man spent his life carving out of the land below him the coral rock in which he crafted a small house, table, clock, and a myriad of very crafty things for the woman he felt would return to him. She didn’t. 

The motivation was his story, not the reality. He created something of delight and value, based on his story.

I recently attended the Shen Yun 2016 Experience a story recital with classical Chinese dance.  It was about the stories from China and the heros that were obviously not real (Monkey King) that taught a precept. The people who dance in this have all taken over a decade to learn every movement. Total devotion to convey a fantasy! Their life has been spent focused on sharing a story. That is who they are. That is what they value. A lovely performance which was beautiful in costuming.

In the US we have joint stories that are morphed to be far bigger than reality and they get solidified into a culture. We have Paul Bunyan and Washington chopping down a cherry tree, etc. etc. None of which are true, but they convey a story of honesty and resilience that gets locked down as a core component for our identity as Americans.

Watching the staging of the presidential candidates as they search for a story to identify with that will resonates with the populace is somewhat entertaining as well. We have lost the belief in our culture. We are cynical over the politicians that lie and change their story with the audience.  It almost doesn’t matter what they say. The question is; Are they consistent?

We still grasp for the story. We reach for the motivation that resounds within ourselves. Whether it be Star Wars or Frozen, if the story is spun with clarity to a point that means something to us we will embrace that as a part of our identity. It doesn’t have to be true.

I would like a more unified fantasy story for humankind, but I don’t think it will come about until we have an adversary that is not human. Will that be AI? Aliens? or some morphed vision of a culture that we designate as non-humans?

The stories we hear in the news grants us very little hope. Money grabbing, war mongering, doesn’t offer a story that we wish to be identified with. No one wants to be the bad guy, but the bad guys get the most press. 

We have no cultural identity. We like being diverse but that dissipates any unity?  Do we want the feeling of being a tribe? Can you do it without a universal story? I am trying to write such a tale with the Hiccup Chronicles a whole new viewpoint on reality that may eliminate the divide. That is my story, my purpose now in life…will it come true? Doesn’t matter. The Roadside Philosopher offering to the world the solution of perspective that might just make everything alright. That’s my story and motivation.

What are your stories? What are the values those stories convey? Have you lived up to that vision?

Enjoy your journey and the stories you create to get you there.

Hugs, Pamala

*The Roadside Philosopher

Can’t Answer a Question not Asked!

In and Out…

Education has taken all the fun out of learning.

I personally don’t think I have left the four year old stage of asking Why? How Come? and What if? I love questions.

But education thinks that they should give you the questions and you are supposed to regurgitate the answers for them on a test and WAA LAA… You have now been educated.

Nothing is retained.  Nothing is learned.  But some one, somewhere now has a metric they feel is valid and can claim that now you know something. Wrong! You know how many so called tests you have taken after a hard cramming session the night before that are forgotten right after the test? I would be surprised if you said less than 90%.

Having your own question, that you find the answer to, has a wonderful endorphin effect .

The problem is no one wants to answer the questions YOU have. They want you to respond to their questions. Which of course has nothing to do with making life any more thrilling for you.

Education has to learn to instill questions. Get the “whys?” back in the classroom. You can’t answer a question that has not been asked.  You can’t get the thrills of your curiosity being satiated if you haven’t asked the question.

Watching children unsupervised you see they have curiosity about tons of things, but they want to figure it out by themselves because they want the satiation feeling of success.

This is why self-help books fail to really help. Most of the time no one buys them until they have already messed up and think maybe they know a solution. So they buy a book pretty much knowing what it will tell them.

We humans are horrible that way. “Let me do it myself!” Even if we screw up the experience is more worthwhile than having someone tell us the answer.

Now-a-days it doesn’t even matter if you learn anything. Continue Education credits just means, you pay your money and sit in the chair and now THAT means you are certified. Requirements to waste time, and money is normal and we wonder why our country has gone downhill in actual productivity.

We want to legislate peoples thoughts. We want everyone in our own little box, whether it is right or wrong. Whether what is learned is of value or not.

These requirements restrict those that have wonderful potentialities because you have to spend constantly for all the different certifications in their very narrow boxes when humans are vast complex entities. Life crosses over. No one can keep spending hundreds of dollars on something that only those self-motivated will learn anyway.

The world is full of wonderful delightful questions. You can create and answer your own. Please try to remember to nurture the skill set of creating your own questions. Put life back into learning.

Enjoy the journey,

“No” is Not Bad!

Interesting watching this generation in America, they have never learned to say “NO” or even tolerated hearing it.

“No” is a word that is avoided today. You must say things nicely. Beg for your way so that eventually all will come about with a win/win for everyone.

My friend has started teaching again in a school where “No” has never been said. Adults have no power, no authority, no experience, no respect.

“I will tell my Mom.” is paraded out in front as parents come running to their child’s defense at every perceived inconvenience. The child is always right, because his/her feelings have gotten hurt.

We now have Universities that can’t teach, because someone somewhere may hear a word that makes them feel uncomfortable.

No rules are valid but the child’s desires. 

Where in real life is everything poofy, soft and nice? Why is that expected? We are not preparing this next generation for understanding that life is not cushy and there are consequences. How is that good?

This type of belief causes horrible consequences as children who have never heard anything negative are targeted by a troll online who starts picking on them.  They end up committing suicide. They don’t know how to deal with negativity. They have no internal scales to judge. No restraints on their emotions, no tools to deal with reality, let alone social media. 

Parents spend without considering consequences. No savings just debt, turn on water, electricity usage wastefully… A buy and throw away mentality that says MY needs are more important than anyone else, or the environment. A mindset that when we get to the edge will fall off most drastically.

If there is a God, (for which ‘evil’ is used as proof that their isn’t a God in some minds)…there are pluses and minuses. A lion wishes to eat, you are available to be eaten, hence there will be something negative that takes place for someone. Some believe there can’t be a God cause something negative happens and label it evil.

Consequences equals if you do X than Y may very well occur, but they are ignored. If you jump off the roof, you most likely will fall and break something, has to be taught. We are giving up our freedom, our ability to make decisive decisions because we are afraid to say no.

Instead we fall into the “Somebody-should-have-protected-me mode.” How this has gotten preferential cultural acceptance is truly a mystery. We claim everything is nice and have movies and games that show killing sprees and destruction as a fun hobby. Me is the most important. If I do it, than it is alright. Self indulgences is the focus.

So why is it the gun’s fault? I can have what I want, destroy what I want and you’re not supposed to tell me no.  

Learning NO is imperative! Having respect for those that try to teach you that is vital. 

“Tell the maniac to get on the ground”, doesn’t work in real anymore than it did in the movies. The culture doesn’t teach self-restraint.

The other movie quote most often quoted in my mind, “Life is pain, princess. Anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something.” That is why we have so much horrible spending on a commodity that does nothing… insurance.

We believe insurance will save us…but anyone with actual claims can tell you otherwise. They have learned to say NO, which only increases their pocketbook.

Saying NO, is not a bad thing. It puts up boundaries that only you have control over. You can move those boundaries without someone else’s validations if you have learned the NO’s. Both how to say “No” so you don’t take on more than you should do, spend, or indulge. Hearing No from those that say you shouldn’t go further in debt, have another drink or leave the lights on is a kindness not a constraint.

Other people’s concerns matter, the mess we make in our backyards matter, the debt we create matter, the waste we make for the world matters. Our kindness to others with raising the red flag of NO matters. If you’ve been across the bridge and it is weak, than share the NO with fellow travelers.

No, this thought process is not right. It has created the millenials.

No is part of the journey we must take in stride. The journey has black & white, ups & downs. It will be far more exciting if you know your on a roller coaster vs a flat train ride, preparing for it is the key.

Hugs, Pam

The Roadside Philosopher