There are tons of articles that tell you how to spend your money, or predict your financial future with offerings of decision trees or unique methodologies, but very little to tackle the emotional drama-trauma that comes with intimate relationships?

So outside of the State of Being component (see presentations) to judge at what level of engagement the person opposite is in, I would like to offer one other simple structure.

You have all heard the  “What does it mean to you… On the scale of 1-10 construct?”

Well my judgement of #7 might be a whole lot different than your #7.  Is the other using metric or inches? Size is relative…ask any fisherman. lol. So what we have to figure out is what measurement tool “we” as a couple can use. (You have to admit Geeks are usually not very strong on relationship issues…smile)

In Agile they talk about using a NON-measurable component to judge the complexity of a project for any one team. Each team of programmers has a different composite of skillsets from which to assess a task’s difficulty level. It can’t be judged by anyone from the outside. That’s a really important statement. It can’t be judged by anyone from the outside!

So let us decide together on the name of the construct “we” can use to communicate. In Agile meetings I offer the term “Hiccups”, because that typifies things we have to get over or through, but for a personal relationship lets pick something more positive. 

It doesn’t matter what name you pick, because it is just between you two. Something that matters to you both. Say, what originally brought you together was that you both really really loved asparagus. Now if that is a known factor you can make that a 5 level, anything above that is a wow, anything below that gives you the idea it is not as good as asparagus.

Distance of how far above or below asparagus has to be developed over time, in Agile they are called iterations. Now when you have a decision to make such as, which movie to go to you simply say it is a 7 asparagus, meaning you like it better than just asparagus. 

But the distance also has to be decide. Will you mean that 7 asparagus is a fraction of asparagus better or exponentially two times greater than asparagus like the earthquake scale? This takes work and size matters.

I talked with one man that said he loved his mistress 100% and was greatly saddened that she responded with 80%. Well they were both married and loved their spouse 100% too….you see how complex it is trying to put numbers to emotions. He was thinking he would do anything for her as the 100% and she was thinking of 100% as being a composite of the love between her two men.

That measurement distance is extremely important. It sucks to play with things at the beginning but amazing when a simple phrase of “2-asparagus” is used to convey in secret that “No, I don’t want to go with them to play cards tonight, if you make me, there will be repercussions.”

We each are different. Men and women are different. To make a relationship requires figuring out how the team of the two of you will work. Give it a scale and use it often enough to judge the distance. Afterwards discuss what you thought their rating meant. 

“OOOOhh I thought you meant you wanted to go to cards two times asparagus?” Size matters…smile

No one had a measurement for time, length, weight or anything until someone started to place a random assignment on something and made markings from there. All measurement is random until it is universally accepted between all those that use the scale.

It can be a fun game. A way to start a relationship with something to talk about for almost anything. “Why do you say that is a 7 asparagus sign?” 

Well the logo was clever, the colors were striking, they positioned it at a location that will make for excellent marketing….so many ways to judge things, but even if we judge from different standpoints we now know the value base that is in common between the two of you and that is an excellent base from which to start.

Hugs, Pam