What people are totally unprepared for when a breakup occurs is the vacuum.
Now a spot that has always been filled is gone? That hollow
feeling, which repeatedly screams something-is-missing eats away at any resolve
that constituted the breakup originally.
Vacuums are uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Being a free
ion probably is uncomfortable. Whenever there is a need to break, whether it be
with a career choice, a significant other, a geographical location that is
loved, anything that we considered ours and part of our identity …now
missing, gives us that hollow feeling.
Some people are so distressed by it that they will return to
a bad situation just because it is better than the vacuum they feel inside.
Abused women and children have been known to do this, men return to a bad job
all because their identity can not stand the vacuum. Their identity has been
painfully depleted.
This is when an imagination is important. Create a new you.
That image might initially be missing a leg, but it will walk. That hollow
inside is very noticeable but you have to remember…Nature abhors a vacuum.
Something will come fill it. Be cautious what you let fill it, because usually
it is very nearly the same as you escaped.
We often do that. Grab the familiar, and put ourselves in the exact same situation. I do it as well. (gasps)
Vacuums are opportunities to choose again. Remake yourself
again. Being comfortable with a vacuum is a difficult thing. I wish I could
give you an easy solution, but I can’t. Recognize the vacuum. Mourn the lost,
and be very choosy as what to let replace it.
Life wouldn’t be fun if it were easy, so enjoy the journey.
You have a disappointment or a biological snafoo and your
first and only thought jumps to your worst fear.
You are now using the little amount of positive energy you
have toward, What? You are focusing your plot/story toward destruction.
Many of us read novels, biographies and movies, which as a
requirement of interest, there is a major hiccup that has to be overcome. If
there isn’t such a catastrophe there is no reason to read the book, watch the
movie or even have bothered with the story, right?
Yet, our first tendency when faced with a
staring-up-in-the-face-of-the-paramedic moment is to doom ourselves with,
“This is the end!” We wall ourselves into a story that takes in no
other possible alternative.
What if WE were the movie? We would watch the character
chagrined at their dilemma and wait for the working out of the resolution. We
think, “This is bad…or not?”
This is what I would like to add to our dilemmas of life.
When a crushing blow hits…acknowledge the OMG moment but add to your
thoughts…or not? You will find you can step out of the
situation for a moment and see it as a storyline with multiple possibilities.
It is now elevated to an “interesting” component of a greater story.
This allows yourself to conceptualize other possibilities.
Just that little bit of optimism makes the world of
difference. You now have an escape route.
Tons of studies have been done to see what aids in recovery
of patients and a positive, purposeful outlook has had the greatest effect.
Whether it is religion, family, job, goals or your spirit to persevere, that
optimism is the key.
So how much more important is it to have that positive
outlook when faced with non-lethal possibilities? Your love left you; you
didn’t get the job, you lost the house, these are now just components of a
greater story which is your life.
The movie of your existence is far more interesting now. So this tragedy is the last blow…OR NOT?
Enjoy the journey, both the ups and downs. Hugs, Pam
Virtual relationships can be excellent support. They can
also be invigorating, intriguing, feed our creativity, and put a spring in our
step.
However, when your heart is so involved with your love
online that you can not extract your feelings for real life engagements, it can
feel like prison.
You are a prisoner of a love that doesn’t seem plausible
that it will ever come to fruition. You can’t move forward with your life and
you can’t live just online, so what can you do?
It is simple for others to say, “Well forget him/her
and move on.” but it isn’t that cut & dried. You owe a lot to your
support and love relationship. Your heart doesn’t want to lose that solid
connection.
So I am going to give you HORRIBLE advice from the guru
standpoint, which says, “Be one and whole”.
You are on a teeter totter of realities. Your heart is in
virtual and you exist in the physical world which HAS to have things taken care
of like eating, showering, making a living and laundry.
So you Split your stories. Instead of having virtual be ALL
your reality for your heart, you start another story, persona, personal
exchange and compartmentalize your virtual love to a strict timed allotment.
Your chore is to put step by step more weight on the teeter totter leaning
toward your real life explorations of love.
Tell your virtual love of your decision and what steps you
have decided to take. If they really love you and they can not join you in real
life, then they should understand that you still love them but can’t stay solo
in virtual.
If they don’t understand in time(say a week), you have
hooked yourself a drama king/queen and you will have to do a complete
severance, since you can’t be made to feel guilty for having a physical life.
What can I tell you? It will be painful for both if a
complete severance is needed but usually the pain dies down in about two weeks
if you focus on something else.
If your online loved one, does truly love you and wishes for
your happiness then they might be your greatest source of “gender
translation” as they explain the stories you choose to share with them
about your biological pursuits.
“Stuck” is a word that only you can change in your
mind. You are far more free than you think. You create your reality and if you
are not happy with it in either the digital or physical world, it does not make
sense to keep doing the same thing.
The journey is yours to pursue. Think about your direction
and go forward consciously not compulsively.
You know how irrational it is when people try to compartmentalize
you.
“Oh, you’re a yellow person, an INTJ, or you’re an
introvert.”
People try to squeeze you into an easy-to-understand
judgemental box, so they can dismiss you or accept you based on an
“either/or” decisions tree.
“You are not my religion, or the wrong color, too fat,
too skinny” The way people superficially categorize others is a huge
problem, especially when you are on the receiving end.
But you scream in your mind, I am MORE than just that one
category “Short, tall, Republican, Jewish, a dentist..etc. The fast
food mentality focuses on “NO”. It is easy to find a reason to
dismiss someone as irrelevant, no one takes the time to learn the complexity of
an individual.
People come in different flavors and outside
superficialities rarely tell the whole story.
Looking for a soulmate is hard if you are not in a
superficial, easily discernable category. That has become the bad thing of this
modern world’s visual communication overload. It has become popular for men to
only want thin ladies with the perfect makeup for their arm candy?
In the older days it was considered high society if the
woman had meat on her, which meant you were a great provider.
You are not bad because you don’t look like the plastic
surgery barbie dolls on TV with their team of makeup artists and wardrobes.
You are good. The societal context is fleeting and only in
individual cultures. We are big people, short people, curly heads or straight
limp hair and all of that is ok. If we buy into the PERFECT, no one will be
happy.
Vanilla is pretty & bland looking but almost always
acceptable. If you want to be bland…be conventional.
However, if you think the spice of life is multiple flavors
of people, with multiple perspectives and everything has both value and hiccups
than you will open yourself to the wonders of the planet.
Nothing is as wonderful as choices. Don’t buy into cookie-cutter ideals. Reach out and try those that are NOT your first visual choice. It is amazing the character of people that are not wasting time squelching who they are, so they can appear like someone else. They usually have personalities and thoughts above just cliches.
Take the path less traveled by and enjoy the journey
Most people who buy into the rules of the commercial game look at their time as money. If I work harder, smarter I will get the points of the game…which is money.
With money I can buy the big
house (I won’t have time to stay in), the big tv (that shows the exact same
shows as the little one), the fancy car (that drives the same distance to work
as the economical one.) BUT people will look at me as successful!?!
That is apparently the point of the game… other people’s approval. That is sad really. Don’t the psychologists call that co-dependance?
Time is a gift if you can get
outside of the sheep mindset. You don’t need to be entertained you need to
create, explore, ponder, appreciate, and breath.
I have been relieved of a very
stressful unappreciated engagement in a “Time is Money” project. Stuck
in an office in a place that is cold, urban, crowded and often smog infested, I
chose to do it out of love for a family member. Being relieved of that
obligation means I am again free to be my own person. How glorious!
So many ways to now spend the
most sought after and limited commodity on this planet…TIME! We are all
inhabiting a deteriorating biological unit that comes with an expiration date.
Health will also eventually cut into the opportunities, so while it is here,
why waste it in doing something that you don’t enjoy?
I watch as people who are for
some reason homebound end up REALLY living in virtual worlds. What is it that
they do in virtual worlds? They are doing the things that make them happy,
being creative, learning, meeting people around the world, enjoying music
listening or performing. They seek the things that are valuable, which are
loyalty, comradeship, courage, and wonder.
What are their circumstances
in real? They might live in a little apartment with minimum subsistence income,
but are using their time growing.
Don’t get me wrong, crazies abound in virtual, it is part of the drama that one has to overcome to make the journey worthwhile, but the people that shine make it worth the venture. (Not to say that people in real are not crazy, they just wear their masks in a sociatal acceptable manner.)
I now have several
collaborative ventures that I am contemplating.
I could use the lower income
as an excellent excuse not to eat so much (working and eating at a desk 10 hours
a day is not healthy), or when I do eat make it more of a meaningful
experience. I have time not to just put in the hour at the gym sweating but
hiking, bike riding, or volunteering. Remember where you put the weight of your
engagement is what is of value.
At the end of your life, which
we are all getting closer to by the minute… tick tick tick…will you say.
“I did this and this and this.” or will you say, “I worked for
them and them and them.” and got nothing of my own to show for my efforts.
Now that I am dating at this age, I ask the guys what have they done with your life? If all they can say is “I got employee of the month!” Ok well that won’t do for a philosopher. Don’t be a sheep. Don’t play the game. Make your own game with your own success markers. So when it comes time to die on a beach alone and friendless (which thankfully I don’t think will happen) it is only me that will decide if I have
won the game or not. Only I that can say I ran the good course and be happy
when I last close my eyes.
In this economy the promise of
security is only a ruse, so be free, be happy and use that amazing commodity of
time for you.
I have been examining what makes people happy, and I have come to a few conclusions.
They have a goal they are working toward.
They have and/or desire these thing
a loyalty
b. love
c. courage
d. determination
e. appreciation
f. beauty
g. creativity (observing or creating)
h. forgiveness
g. honesty ..etc.
f. a place to fit in
Most of these nouns can be used as verbs as well. “I
love you.” Love being the action. or “Love is wonderful.” Love
being the noun and subject.
All that is fine if you are into epistemology but that
doesn’t solve anything really.
What stood out most is that none of the things, that makes a
person really happy has a physical component! None of them can be
touched!
Touch can be a component of love, but it isn’t love.
Physical stuff can be a small part of happiness, but even with everything-under-the-sun
owned, without those intangibles, a person is not happy.
So that leads me to the off-handed conclusion that we are
NOT of this physical plane. This physical plane is not what brings us joy. We
have happiness from the intangibles!
So if this physical plane was say a computer game, money
were points where you got to buy things IN THE GAME…you can win the game but
still not have accomplished anything toward what you desire, which is to be
happy. The game is a distraction while you seek the things that are truly
valuable.
Maybe we are also intangible beings, however you wish to
describe that…(spirit, interdimensional beings, pure energy, intellect,
consciousness), but obviously not materialists.
Playing and focusing ON THE GAME of this world will actually
deny you the opportunities to find what will make you happy.
Following someone elses rules is also a dead end to
happiness. If you feel that you are not good because you didn’t do what someone
else says, (organization, political party, religion) told you to do, even if it
doesn’t fit with your situation, you will not be happy.
So many unjust things have happened because someone followed
what someone else told them to do. Then they were forced to struggle with the
internal conflicts of what they desired and thought was right and what others
demanded of them.
Taking ownership of your own thoughts, your own actions, and
your own consequences will relieve you of those conflicts. Being-you honestly,
will free you to be happy.
Following someone elses pathway will always be
uncomfortable. I don’t know about you, but I hate the thought of being a
cookie-cutter drone.
For any that have traveled third world nations you will
recognize some truly happy people who have nothing. Why are they happy? Why do
they play, and laugh so freely? It is because they have the intangibles!
Notice the sky, the air, water, plants, animals of this
planet. The greatest joy can be the wonder of exploring. Even if a person sits
on their doorstep and watches the world, the ants at their feet, the sun cross
the sky, the opportunity for wonder abounds. Wonder inspires happiness.
Gratitude is happiness.
So many opportunities to be happy are ignored for the game.
When will you take back your opportunity to be happy. 🙂
Touch
is so needed for these biological avatars we live in. We need to feel close to
someone. Sometimes just a hug will do it. Sometimes you need a stable second
personality to give you perspective
Today the choices are… Meet
someone at work; meet them at a bar; or a chance meeting at the laundromat or
grocery store. A lot of hurdles to get to know someone, but dating sites say,
“Come we All want someone. Meet them here!”
But remember each site needs
money to run. Each site will claim they are the best in the business in one
form or the other. They will have you start the signup procedure and get your
information and then not let you SEE or respond to anyone until you give them
money. Be warned.
But those things we pretty
much expect in this financial downturn. Companies looking for money.
The things that hurt are the
personal frauds. The men that lie and say they are single when they are
married. The women who expect ownership of the men they chat with or get
hostile and turn to stalking.
First and foremost know that the
first few people you meet on a site most likely will be the desperates. A
greater chance of psychos, exists the faster they say.. “You’re beautiful
& sexy.” Or “I can’t think of anything but to get you into
bed.” Complements right off the bat are a BIG RED FLAG that this is a
player.
I would guess close to 80% of
men online are looking for an easy roll in the hay. I would say the same
percentage of women are looking for a Prince Charming to come and rescue them
from their current situation.
That leaves a very narrow
margin of sincere lookers who are ready to even seek compatibility. So everyone
is hit with the players & desperates right out the gate, making the true
seekers cautious and eventually they pull away.
Dating online is not for the
feint of heart. Rejection is always there. Perceptions and rash judgements are
made by both parties, but that is ok. You don’t need to be accepted by
everyone!
Let me say that again! “You don’t need to be accepted by everyone!” This is NOT a popularity contest.
The faster you can sort through the thousands upon thousands, being yourself, the greater the chance you are going to find that one-n-only. You don’t want everyone to like you. You want the ONE that “GETs you” to find you.
Always be honest and let the chips
fall where they may. Don’t spend forever clawing through profile after profile,
just devote maybe a few minutes a day and make sure you say Hi to at least 3.
Don’t expect responses. Just
get over the need to be accepted. Maybe someone you liked will like you…maybe
not…but if you don’t reach out you have increased the odds of you finding
each other. Chat is good.
If they refuse to give you
their number, last name, email, and address after a week or so of chats online…they
are probably married. If they are distrustful, they are either hurt from past
experiences or are married. The dishonest believe everyone else is dishonest.
Hope is for the ONE. Not just anyone. Remember a true noble quest is not a fast food order. *smile*
Strange that with so many ways to connect in today’s
technological world, people can feel so alone.
Everyone posts when something wonderful happens in their life or how much they love their significant other, which only increases the feelings of loneliness for those that are not actively engaged in some sort of partnership arrangement.
It can seem that all the world is happy and you just don’t
belong, but it is not so.
We are ALL alone. That’s right. Everyone of us are in our
own skin and our own mind, alone! No one truly knows what goes on in our
thoughts but us. Even if we are extremely articulate we can only share a
portion of the tremulous struggles contained within our internal dialog.
The problem is we feel we are only complete if we have
someone mirroring back that we are ok.
May I extend a challenge and actually applaud your
aloneness. You now have the opportunity to become whole.
Often times we select partners that have skillsets that we
lack. He can speak in public, while I am scared to death, or she is so creative
while I can only add digits. We then feel more complete because the two of us
can do most things. We shove off growing in one area because our partner has it
covered. That is like a tree in the forest grows only where the other trees
don’t cover the light.
But the solo tree on the hill is unencumbered with excuses
and must seek to grow fully. The opportunity to become more complete is masked
by the conventional wisdom that says we are “no one” if we do not
have a mirror-validating partner.
Yet the tree that is solo on the hill is balanced admired
and often times remembered and valued in the end.
The ones in the forest just knock each other down and the
forest feels no remorse over the loss of just one-of-the-many.
So be your own best friend, explore your weaknesses and strengths and strive for balance. Have fun taking your own self to the movie, or challenging yourself to expand your skillsets. There are so many alone that it is stupid to not go out and volunteer if you have the need to be social, serve others, but do it because you wish to, not because it is expected.
Be that tree on the hill. Concentrate on making the person
that is you the most balanced and glorious tree it can be.
Trolls attack. They get in your face and make you examine
every possible thought or motive that made you make a statement online. They
are brutal and the more you respond with any type of emotion the more they
nit-pick through your innards.
There are immersives that have become introverts, dropped
off the web, and even committed suicide because of the viciousness of attacks.
I am not condoning this type of behavior, but I can also see a tenaciousness
that we need and can be directed toward reworking governments.
We have been diluted of that aggressiveness for the most
part. Taught to be good little boys and girls, while the governments take our
rights away and respin reality to make it appear that they are doing it for our
own good?
Anonymous has been a force for some good, trying to keep
life online clear of government interference. (I wonder now how many have been bought by the very entities
they attacked and are working for the other side?)
What if all trolls were set toward getting the revolution
started, attacking those commercial entities that are making government
officials “puppets”, exploiting our land, making money off of laws
created by those puppets. What if they simply created havoc for the real bad
guys. Turn the bad internet trolls into a awesome force for good? Sic ’em guys!
Trolls are among the engagement levels I refer to online as
disassociatives. They don’t feel the pain they cause because they don’t believe
it is them, they simply enjoy seeing reactions.
What if the trolls actually got immersive in their feelings toward change and took that anger out on valid targets instead of pony people? They could become the power that sets the tone for the revolution. The new Paul Reveres of a huge movement? The Troll Occupy movement could be IN YOUR FACE scussballs on every commercial CEO that has bought-out a politician and forced through laws snuck into a good-sounding bills.
As a philosopher I can see that the universe is maintained
by shifting of positive and negative. If that pendulum ever became stable the
universe would stop, so I understand that all things sweet and smiley would not
be heaven. I see the need for addition and subtraction.
Sometimes subtraction is a good thing. Sometimes aggression
is the right thing. Let’s see how this could work FOR the cause. Random violence
against the weak is not a success, it is cowardness.
Is it possible for our troll groups to outgun the government bad guys? The question is out there. I have thrown down the gauntlet.
What will the journey look like? However it pans out…
enjoy the journey.
Hugs, Pam
I have watched a difficult situation be evaluated by a team
at my new project location.
New ownership, meant new management, meant new software to
run, new accounting methods, new business licenses and all the government
hoops. Some people leave because it is too stressful, some are asked to leave.
No doubt this is indeed a stressful situation causing interrupts to function,
but how much are you going to allow it to affect you?
Little things like, “Where are the garbage cans?”
can tip the scale, pushing people to their limits. Some can’t sleep, some are
getting ill, some can’t function because of their stress and quit. Yet everyone
views things differently and handles the hiccups of transition in a variety of
ways.
In an earlier blog I talked about my first experience in
driver’s training. How it seemed I couldn’t keep straight on the road because I
kept looking at those little white lines coming at me so fast and changing with
each turn or lane…that was stressful for me. How can anyone drive when the
white lines are coming at you so fast?
The solution was easily resolved when my instructor said,
“Look up and farther ahead.” That did it! That didn’t stop the white
lines coming at me just as fast, but they were no longer my focus. I now looked
ahead and at the bigger picture.
This is point one in handling difficult situations. 1.
Change your focus and widen your view. Some guess that is how God looks at
things? That could explain a lot, since such an entity would indeed have a much
larger viewpoint.
Point two: 2. Long term goal looks positive? If the change
is striving (not necessarily functioning, at the moment) at a positive target,
get on board. Management has given you a vision of possibilities. That vision
should be your new focus.
Point three: 3. Endurance- Everything takes longer than
first anticipated and a moment in pain is far longer than a moment on vacation,
but that is the journey. I hear, “But this is hard. Nothing is going
right.” and I think of childbirth (something most men can’t totally
comprehend).
You plan and visualize what it will be like having your new
little one and then the first pains come and you remember what it was like with
your first one and instantly scream in your mind. “Wait this is far too
tough to go through again!” but you have no choice. This is part of the
journey. You can’t get from point A to point B without it.
Lastly, 4. Forgive in advance. There are going to be mistakes.
This may not work. Figure out a couple of alternatives if it fails and then
relax and throw your energy behind the project.
Nothing is assured, and that is the fun of life, the journey
that gives you a wonderful story to tell. Think how horrible life would be if
at the end you said, ” I worked 40 years putting A into B hole and
everything was fine…and now I am going to die without a single hiccup or
story of struggle?” No one would watch your movie. 🙂
Life is about hiccups. You decide how to Weigh your stress. Choose a level that is entertaining and will give your story a plot. If you have no stress you will have no story, so enjoy the journey.
