Category: Interpersonal Relationships

Male and Female Relationships online and off

Stuck in Online Love?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Virtual relationships can be excellent support. They can also be invigorating, intriguing, feed our creativity, and put a spring in our step.

However, when your heart is so involved with your love online that you can not extract your feelings for real life engagements, it can feel like prison.

You are a prisoner of a love that doesn’t seem plausible that it will ever come to fruition. You can’t move forward with your life and you can’t live just online, so what can you do?

It is simple for others to say, “Well forget him/her and move on.” but it isn’t that cut & dried. You owe a lot to your support and love relationship. Your heart doesn’t want to lose that solid connection.

So I am going to give you HORRIBLE advice from the guru standpoint, which says, “Be one and whole”. 

You are on a teeter totter of realities. Your heart is in virtual and you exist in the physical world which HAS to have things taken care of like eating, showering, making a living and laundry.

So you Split your stories. Instead of having virtual be ALL your reality for your heart, you start another story, persona, personal exchange and compartmentalize your virtual love to a strict timed allotment. Your chore is to put step by step more weight on the teeter totter leaning toward your real life explorations of love. 

Tell your virtual love of your decision and what steps you have decided to take. If they really love you and they can not join you in real life, then they should understand that you still love them but can’t stay solo in virtual. 

If they don’t understand in time(say a week), you have hooked yourself a drama king/queen and you will have to do a complete severance, since you can’t be made to feel guilty for having a physical life.

What can I tell you? It will be painful for both if a complete severance is needed but usually the pain dies down in about two weeks if you focus on something else.

If your online loved one, does truly love you and wishes for your happiness then they might be your greatest source of “gender translation” as they explain the stories you choose to share with them about your biological pursuits.

“Stuck” is a word that only you can change in your mind. You are far more free than you think. You create your reality and if you are not happy with it in either the digital or physical world, it does not make sense to keep doing the same thing.

The journey is yours to pursue. Think about your direction and go forward consciously not compulsively.

Hugs, Pam

How Many Flavors of People?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

You know how irrational it is when people try to compartmentalize you. 

“Oh, you’re a yellow person, an INTJ, or you’re an introvert.” 

People try to squeeze you into an easy-to-understand judgemental box, so they can dismiss you or accept you based on an “either/or” decisions tree.

“You are not my religion, or the wrong color, too fat, too skinny” The way people superficially categorize others is a huge problem, especially when you are on the receiving end. 

But you scream in your mind, I am MORE than just that one category  “Short, tall, Republican, Jewish, a dentist..etc. The fast food mentality focuses on “NO”. It is easy to find a reason to dismiss someone as irrelevant, no one takes the time to learn the complexity of an individual.

People come in different flavors and outside superficialities rarely tell the whole story. 

Looking for a soulmate is hard if you are not in a superficial, easily discernable category. That has become the bad thing of this modern world’s visual communication overload. It has become popular for men to only want thin ladies with the perfect makeup for their arm candy? 

In the older days it was considered high society if the woman had meat on her, which meant you were a great provider.

You are not bad because you don’t look like the plastic surgery barbie dolls on TV with their team of makeup artists and wardrobes.

You are good. The societal context is fleeting and only in individual cultures. We are big people, short people, curly heads or straight limp hair and all of that is ok. If we buy into the PERFECT, no one will be happy. 

Vanilla is pretty & bland looking but almost always acceptable. If you want to be bland…be conventional. 

However, if you think the spice of life is multiple flavors of people, with multiple perspectives and everything has both value and hiccups than you will open yourself to the wonders of the planet.  

Nothing is as wonderful as choices. Don’t buy into cookie-cutter ideals. Reach out and try those that are NOT your first visual choice. It is amazing the character of people that are not wasting time squelching who they are, so they can appear like someone else. They usually have personalities and thoughts above just cliches.

Take the path less traveled by and enjoy the journey

Hugs, Pam.

The Secret to Happiness… Physical or Virtual?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Philosopher comments on Reality, Society, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I have been examining what makes people happy, and I have come to a few conclusions.

  1. They have a goal they are working toward.
  2. They have and/or desire these thing
  • a loyalty
  • b. love
  • c. courage
  • d. determination
  • e. appreciation
  • f. beauty 
  • g. creativity (observing or creating)
  • h. forgiveness 
  • g. honesty ..etc.
  • f. a place to fit in

Most of these nouns can be used as verbs as well. “I love you.” Love being the action. or “Love is wonderful.” Love being the noun and subject.

All that is fine if you are into epistemology but that doesn’t solve anything really.

What stood out most is that none of the things, that makes a person really happy has a physical component! None of them can be touched! 

Touch can be a component of love, but it isn’t love. Physical stuff can be a small part of happiness, but even with everything-under-the-sun owned, without those intangibles, a person is not happy.

So that leads me to the off-handed conclusion that we are NOT of this physical plane. This physical plane is not what brings us joy. We have happiness from the intangibles! 

So if this physical plane was say a computer game, money were points where you got to buy things IN THE GAME…you can win the game but still not have accomplished anything toward what you desire, which is to be happy. The game is a distraction while you seek the things that are truly valuable.

Maybe we are also intangible beings, however you wish to describe that…(spirit, interdimensional beings, pure energy, intellect, consciousness), but obviously not materialists. 

Playing and focusing ON THE GAME of this world will actually deny you the opportunities to find what will make you happy. 

Following someone elses rules is also a dead end to happiness. If you feel that you are not good because you didn’t do what someone else says, (organization, political party, religion) told you to do, even if it doesn’t fit with your situation, you will not be happy.

So many unjust things have happened because someone followed what someone else told them to do. Then they were forced to struggle with the internal conflicts of what they desired and thought was right and what others demanded of them.

Taking ownership of your own thoughts, your own actions, and your own consequences will relieve you of those conflicts. Being-you honestly, will free you to be happy. 

Following someone elses pathway will always be uncomfortable. I don’t know about you, but I hate the thought of being a cookie-cutter drone.

For any that have traveled third world nations you will recognize some truly happy people who have nothing. Why are they happy? Why do they play, and laugh so freely? It is because they have the intangibles!

Notice the sky, the air, water, plants, animals of this planet. The greatest joy can be the wonder of exploring. Even if a person sits on their doorstep and watches the world, the ants at their feet, the sun cross the sky, the opportunity for wonder abounds. Wonder inspires happiness. Gratitude is happiness. 

So many opportunities to be happy are ignored for the game. When will you take back your opportunity to be happy. 🙂

Hugs, Pam

Dating Sites: Is there hope?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal RelationshipsLeave a comment

Touch is so needed for these biological avatars we live in. We need to feel close to someone. Sometimes just a hug will do it. Sometimes you need a stable second personality to give you perspective

Today the choices are… Meet someone at work; meet them at a bar; or a chance meeting at the laundromat or grocery store. A lot of hurdles to get to know someone, but dating sites say, “Come we All want someone. Meet them here!”

But remember each site needs money to run. Each site will claim they are the best in the business in one form or the other. They will have you start the signup procedure and get your information and then not let you SEE or respond to anyone until you give them money. Be warned.

But those things we pretty much expect in this financial downturn. Companies looking for money.

The things that hurt are the personal frauds. The men that lie and say they are single when they are married. The women who expect ownership of the men they chat with or get hostile and turn to stalking. 

First and foremost know that the first few people you meet on a site most likely will be the desperates. A greater chance of psychos, exists the faster they say.. “You’re beautiful & sexy.” Or “I can’t think of anything but to get you into bed.” Complements right off the bat are a BIG RED FLAG that this is a player.

I would guess close to 80% of men online are looking for an easy roll in the hay. I would say the same percentage of women are looking for a Prince Charming to come and rescue them from their current situation. 

That leaves a very narrow margin of sincere lookers who are ready to even seek compatibility. So everyone is hit with the players & desperates right out the gate, making the true seekers cautious and eventually they pull away.

Dating online is not for the feint of heart. Rejection is always there. Perceptions and rash judgements are made by both parties, but that is ok. You don’t need to be accepted by everyone!

Let me say that again! “You don’t need to be accepted by everyone!” This is NOT a popularity contest. 

The faster you can sort through the thousands upon thousands, being yourself, the greater the chance you are going to find that one-n-only. You don’t want everyone to like you. You want the ONE that “GETs you” to find you. 

Always be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Don’t spend forever clawing through profile after profile, just devote maybe a few minutes a day and make sure you say Hi to at least 3.

Don’t expect responses. Just get over the need to be accepted. Maybe someone you liked will like you…maybe not…but if you don’t reach out you have increased the odds of you finding each other. Chat is good.

If they refuse to give you their number, last name, email, and address after a week or so of chats online…they are probably married. If they are distrustful, they are either hurt from past experiences or are married. The dishonest believe everyone else is dishonest.

Hope is for the ONE. Not just anyone. Remember a true noble quest is not a fast food order. *smile*

Enjoy the journey, Hugs, Pam

…but I am so Lonely

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

Aren’t you interesting?

Strange that with so many ways to connect in today’s technological world, people can feel so alone.  

Everyone posts when something wonderful happens in their life or how much they love their significant other, which only increases the feelings of loneliness for those that are not actively engaged in some sort of partnership arrangement.

It can seem that all the world is happy and you just don’t belong, but it is not so. 

We are ALL alone. That’s right. Everyone of us are in our own skin and our own mind, alone! No one truly knows what goes on in our thoughts but us. Even if we are extremely articulate we can only share a portion of the tremulous struggles contained within our internal dialog. 

The problem is we feel we are only complete if we have someone mirroring back that we are ok.

May I extend a challenge and actually applaud your aloneness. You now have the opportunity to become whole. 

Often times we select partners that have skillsets that we lack. He can speak in public, while I am scared to death, or she is so creative while I can only add digits. We then feel more complete because the two of us can do most things. We shove off growing in one area because our partner has it covered. That is like a tree in the forest grows only where the other trees don’t cover the light.

But the solo tree on the hill is unencumbered with excuses and must seek to grow fully. The opportunity to become more complete is masked by the conventional wisdom that says we are “no one” if we do not have a mirror-validating partner.

Yet the tree that is solo on the hill is balanced admired and often times remembered and valued in the end. 

The ones in the forest just knock each other down and the forest feels no remorse over the loss of just one-of-the-many.

So be your own best friend, explore your weaknesses and strengths and strive for balance. Have fun taking your own self to the movie, or challenging yourself to expand your skillsets. There are so many alone that it is stupid to not go out and volunteer if you have the need to be social, serve others, but do it because you wish to, not because it is expected.

Be that tree on the hill. Concentrate on making the person that is you the most balanced and glorious tree it can be.

Just remember, to enjoy the journey.

Hugs, Pam

A Call to Trolls

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

What the &*(&)%!@#$! are you doing?

I can hear the response now…lol.

Trolls attack. They get in your face and make you examine every possible thought or motive that made you make a statement online. They are brutal and the more you respond with any type of emotion the more they nit-pick through your innards.

There are immersives that have become introverts, dropped off the web, and even committed suicide because of the viciousness of attacks. I am not condoning this type of behavior, but I can also see a tenaciousness that we need and can be directed toward reworking governments.

We have been diluted of that aggressiveness for the most part. Taught to be good little boys and girls, while the governments take our rights away and respin reality to make it appear that they are doing it for our own good?

Anonymous has been a force for some good, trying to keep life online clear of government interference. (I wonder now how many have been bought by the very entities they attacked and are working for the other side?)

What if all trolls were set toward getting the revolution started, attacking those commercial entities that are making government officials “puppets”, exploiting our land, making money off of laws created by those puppets. What if they simply created havoc for the real bad guys. Turn the bad internet trolls into a awesome force for good? Sic ’em guys!

Trolls are among the engagement levels I refer to online as disassociatives. They don’t feel the pain they cause because they don’t believe it is them, they simply enjoy seeing reactions. 

What if the trolls actually got immersive in their feelings toward change and took that anger out on valid targets instead of pony people? They could become the power that sets the tone for the revolution. The new Paul Reveres of a huge movement? The Troll Occupy movement could be IN YOUR FACE scussballs on every commercial CEO that has bought-out a politician and forced through laws snuck into a good-sounding bills. 

As a philosopher I can see that the universe is maintained by shifting of positive and negative. If that pendulum ever became stable the universe would stop, so I understand that all things sweet and smiley would not be heaven. I see the need for addition and subtraction.

Sometimes subtraction is a good thing. Sometimes aggression is the right thing. Let’s see how this could work FOR the cause. Random violence against the weak is not a success, it is cowardness. 

Is it possible for our troll groups to outgun the government bad guys? The question is out there. I have thrown down the gauntlet. 

What will the journey look like? However it pans out… enjoy the journey. Hugs, Pam

Weighing Your Stress

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

Who is the Scale?

I have watched a difficult situation be evaluated by a team at my new project location.

New ownership, meant new management, meant new software to run, new accounting methods, new business licenses and all the government hoops. Some people leave because it is too stressful, some are asked to leave. No doubt this is indeed a stressful situation causing interrupts to function, but how much are you going to allow it to affect you?

Little things like, “Where are the garbage cans?” can tip the scale, pushing people to their limits. Some can’t sleep, some are getting ill, some can’t function because of their stress and quit. Yet everyone views things differently and handles the hiccups of transition in a variety of ways.

In an earlier blog I talked about my first experience in driver’s training. How it seemed I couldn’t keep straight on the road because I kept looking at those little white lines coming at me so fast and changing with each turn or lane…that was stressful for me. How can anyone drive when the white lines are coming at you so fast?

The solution was easily resolved when my instructor said, “Look up and farther ahead.” That did it! That didn’t stop the white lines coming at me just as fast, but they were no longer my focus. I now looked ahead and at the bigger picture.

This is point one in handling difficult situations. 1. Change your focus and widen your view. Some guess that is how God looks at things? That could explain a lot, since such an entity would indeed have a much larger viewpoint.

Point two: 2. Long term goal looks positive? If the change is striving (not necessarily functioning, at the moment) at a positive target, get on board. Management has given you a vision of possibilities. That vision should be your new focus.

Point three: 3. Endurance- Everything takes longer than first anticipated and a moment in pain is far longer than a moment on vacation, but that is the journey. I hear, “But this is hard. Nothing is going right.” and I think of childbirth (something most men can’t totally comprehend).

You plan and visualize what it will be like having your new little one and then the first pains come and you remember what it was like with your first one and instantly scream in your mind. “Wait this is far too tough to go through again!” but you have no choice. This is part of the journey. You can’t get from point A to point B without it.

Lastly, 4. Forgive in advance. There are going to be mistakes. This may not work. Figure out a couple of alternatives if it fails and then relax and throw your energy behind the project.

Nothing is assured, and that is the fun of life, the journey that gives you a wonderful story to tell. Think how horrible life would be if at the end you said, ” I worked 40 years putting A into B hole and everything was fine…and now I am going to die without a single hiccup or story of struggle?” No one would watch your movie. 🙂

Life is about hiccups. You decide how to Weigh your stress. Choose a level that is entertaining and will give your story a plot. If you have no stress you will have no story, so enjoy the journey.

Hugs, Pam

The Power of Acceptance

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

The feeling of belonging…

Crowd think. It is natural for our species to wish to belong. There is great power that can be wielded for good and evil because of that need.

Peer pressure would be an example of bad. Also patriotism and religion have been known to use this basic human need to manipulate individuals into doing things contrary to positive actions for self.

We need to feel accepted and valued. 

Yesterday’s Roadside Philosopher’s topic was, “What is your ultimate question?” We had many wonderful contributions but one question hit me as unique. “Can you hear me?”

“Can you hear me?” Lent itself to so many philosophical points. Am I a contributing part of a greater whole? Do I count? Am I valued? Have I communicated what I truly mean?

I watched (against my normal knee-jerk reaction to reality TV) the first part of Utopia. It was amazing how the first day everyone wanted to be heard, sometimes forcefully. One gal voiced disgust and repulsion voting negatively on the question of kicking out a rather vile, dominant male. But after agreeing to give him a second chance, he made the effort to actually listen to her and validate her thoughts and all of a sudden there was a connection. She was now accepting him.

Acceptance is very powerful. 

One of my more powerful acceptance memories was not with humans. I was the owner of a small group of goats. Where I went they went. No need for force, leashes or corrals really. It did not even cross their minds to leave me. I was part of the herd. If we went for a walk and I stopped to rest, they stopped and rested. No communication needed. I still cry my eyes out at times when I reflect on leaving my herd to be sold when I returned to the city. Never have I been so totally trusted and accepted.

The Roadside Philosophers have my heart as well. We are the most eclectic group you will ever find, from all around the world, sharing our thoughts without attack. 

There are those among us that are truly obnoxious with their beliefs. Many times we grind our teeth, while we again have to listen to the current topic be spun back into the individual’s unique pet peeve. But we have learned to accept the people and sometimes marvel how they manipulate things back to their focus. 

We have acceptance in the group. All thoughts are valued, questioned and brought back into our own minds at the level we wish. No one is forced to accept the thoughts, just the people who honestly express them.

That acceptance is what the Family Group use to offer us. Family has lost its cohesiveness in these modern days. People in the family are soon discarded and belittled if not of the same mindset. Divorce and mixed parental responsibilities bring contention. 

We also no longer have the feeling of belonging to a “Village”. The village was ‘Where’ you belonged. Now we move all over the place and even the government is seen as an interrupter of life vs the protector. So no wonder the need for acceptance has become so dominate.

We cloister ourselves with race, colour, sexual orientation, political parties, alumni, religion, seeking that feeling of belonging.

It is a need, but what if we opened it up to a wider construct? We are all humans. That probably won’t happen until an alien race comes and tries to dominate. Only then will we bond together as family. Too bad we need such a contention to unite.

Try this week to express acceptance to someone of contrary opinions. Watch the change. It is an amazing transformation. You will be both astonished and uplifted.

Broadening your horizons will expand possibilities for your journey. Enjoy that journey.

Hugs, Pam

But What if I Fail?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

…sup, sup…

Fear of failure seems to be a major motivating factor that STOPS everything.

“I can’t talk to her. What if she doesn’t like me?” 

We are afraid of rejection, so much so that games are incorporating that fear to get you to buy stuff. Wow, we can’t even stand to see the word FAIL on a Candy Crush level so we will buy a cheat component to pass level 147.

“But what if I fail?” Is hardwired into us. Fail means you’re not good enough…but in whose eyes? By what game? …and who says you have to follow their rules? Is that game even valid to you, really?

I have been watching a lot of Disney movies lately and there seems to be a common thread for each hero’s journey… The hero breaks the rules! Mulan was a female who went into the army; Aladdin was a street rat who stole; Hercules wasn’t a hero until he truly sacrificed what others thought valuable to safe another… In other words, until you step outside of the box of OTHERS expectations to be true to the voice within you, you can’t truly succeed.

That’s true in real life as well. “You can’t fly.” was said to Wilbur & Orville. You can’t… YOU can’t… YOU CAN’T… is what everyone else will say who doesn’t hear the beat of your drum.

So are you going to listen?

I had a smart aleck guy tell me he was so smart that he knew how this game would end and he would always win. He then went and told me the rules to his game. I looked at the board, determined that if he knew things would end his way if I followed his rules, then I wouldn’t follow his rules. I am mischievous that way. *wink* I created my OWN game, which was; I was not going to let it end the way he anticipated. That was the game I was playing.

We create our own game with rules that we determine. If you play someone elses game, with THEIR rules, they will win.

Same thing goes with our current life. The rules say the points are $. If you don’t have enough dollars you have FAILED. If you buy into that game you will indeed fail…because guess what? No matter how much money you get, you will die. 

We will all die, but if you spent your whole life chasing those $ points and have foregone all the things that YOU wanted out of your time here on the blue planet, then you have failed you. 

Nobody at the end of your life is going to give you a blue ribbon and say you won, because you got the most $ points. It will be just “you, yourself, and I” that reviews your life.

What game are you going to play? By what rules are you going to live? Do not even flinch if someone says, YOU Failed! in their game. You’re not living their game. You’re living yours.

So if that girl says, “Go away, Creep.” Don’t consider it a failure, consider it a new challenge. Make up your own game. How many different ways will she say “Get Lost” before you whittle her down to, “Ok, I will have a cup of coffee with you.”

Yeah! Your game rules. You determine when you have won. Awesome isn’t it. Only you get to say when you fail, but fail only means you have quit. You can easily redraw the rules to your game and come at it in another way.

The only way you fail, is if you follow other’s rules to their game.

Enjoy the journey…just make it your own.

Huga, Pamala

Agile Personal Relationship Choices

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal RelationshipsLeave a comment

Project Manage-Your Interactions

There are tons of articles that tell you how to spend your money, or predict your financial future with offerings of decision trees or unique methodologies, but very little to tackle the emotional drama-trauma that comes with intimate relationships?

So outside of the State of Being component (see presentations) to judge at what level of engagement the person opposite is in, I would like to offer one other simple structure.

You have all heard the  “What does it mean to you… On the scale of 1-10 construct?”

Well my judgement of #7 might be a whole lot different than your #7.  Is the other using metric or inches? Size is relative…ask any fisherman. lol. So what we have to figure out is what measurement tool “we” as a couple can use. (You have to admit Geeks are usually not very strong on relationship issues…smile)

In Agile they talk about using a NON-measurable component to judge the complexity of a project for any one team. Each team of programmers has a different composite of skillsets from which to assess a task’s difficulty level. It can’t be judged by anyone from the outside. That’s a really important statement. It can’t be judged by anyone from the outside!

So let us decide together on the name of the construct “we” can use to communicate. In Agile meetings I offer the term “Hiccups”, because that typifies things we have to get over or through, but for a personal relationship lets pick something more positive. 

It doesn’t matter what name you pick, because it is just between you two. Something that matters to you both. Say, what originally brought you together was that you both really really loved asparagus. Now if that is a known factor you can make that a 5 level, anything above that is a wow, anything below that gives you the idea it is not as good as asparagus.

Distance of how far above or below asparagus has to be developed over time, in Agile they are called iterations. Now when you have a decision to make such as, which movie to go to you simply say it is a 7 asparagus, meaning you like it better than just asparagus. 

But the distance also has to be decide. Will you mean that 7 asparagus is a fraction of asparagus better or exponentially two times greater than asparagus like the earthquake scale? This takes work and size matters.

I talked with one man that said he loved his mistress 100% and was greatly saddened that she responded with 80%. Well they were both married and loved their spouse 100% too….you see how complex it is trying to put numbers to emotions. He was thinking he would do anything for her as the 100% and she was thinking of 100% as being a composite of the love between her two men.

That measurement distance is extremely important. It sucks to play with things at the beginning but amazing when a simple phrase of “2-asparagus” is used to convey in secret that “No, I don’t want to go with them to play cards tonight, if you make me, there will be repercussions.”

We each are different. Men and women are different. To make a relationship requires figuring out how the team of the two of you will work. Give it a scale and use it often enough to judge the distance. Afterwards discuss what you thought their rating meant. 

“OOOOhh I thought you meant you wanted to go to cards two times asparagus?” Size matters…smile

No one had a measurement for time, length, weight or anything until someone started to place a random assignment on something and made markings from there. All measurement is random until it is universally accepted between all those that use the scale.

It can be a fun game. A way to start a relationship with something to talk about for almost anything. “Why do you say that is a 7 asparagus sign?” 

Well the logo was clever, the colors were striking, they positioned it at a location that will make for excellent marketing….so many ways to judge things, but even if we judge from different standpoints we now know the value base that is in common between the two of you and that is an excellent base from which to start.

Hugs, Pam