Category: Interpersonal Relationships

Male and Female Relationships online and off

The Freedom of Letting Others be Free!

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

Whee…

It is amazing how much we wish freedom for ourselves but want to curtail others.

It is also a knee-jerk reaction for women to want to tie down a man for their security, and men’s desire NOT to be burdened. So we have a gender issue here.

We have those who think their religion should dominate the planet and they will do whatever they have to do to make others See the Light! 

There are those that say they are scientifically minded and believe everyone elses experiences irrelevant, seeking to step on and smear anything that can’t be proved with numbers (as if numbers were not a fictitious construct created by man in the first place). 

Everyone is trying and working toward convincing someone else to do something. Advertising, politics, legal, education all societal constructs are meant to corral a person into thinking like someone else wants.

It is sad really that your validation as a human is in the hands of all those “others”.

But what if we REALLY let others be free. (to the extent they do no harm) What would happen? What if we were allowed to talk about the things that made us different without worry?

I have seen for myself the freedom of being non-judgemental grow. In fact, when you take the judgemental out of your perception the only thing left is sincere questioning and listening. “Uh? You like to lick rocks?”

Ok the first thing a judgemental person would do when confronted with such an observation is to pass a judgement that the person is an idiot and try to talk to them about how unsanitary and disgusting that is… BUT if you stopped being judgemental you may just inquire, “Why do you lick rocks?”  

This opens the gate to freedom. Now the person is being respected and not judged and an avenue of communication has opened. Then you are opened to be enlightened by this unusual activity, and may find out the geologist you’re talking to is extremely brilliant. You would have missed out on all that if you had stamped out your judgement.

So not judging others is freeing for you, freeing for them and is the beginning of what we all wish from this life: To be recognized as individuals with different talents and needs.

Imagine for a minute what it would be like if people were not afraid to say I’m Jewish, homosexual, drum player, artist, philosopher and met with a question like, “Tell me what that is like and why it is of value to you?”

This insight of life was beaten into my head with the seven years of the Roadside Philosophers. So many bizarre personalities that with time and understanding have grown to flower into the unique beauty of their true selves. 

Wow, the world is inundated with unique perspectives all stuffed on this little globe of a planet, as soon as you set yourself free you will find never ending explorations and understanding await.

Enjoy the journey!

Hugs, Pam

Whose Dogma is Reality?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Philosopher comments on Reality, SocietyLeave a comment

Oh Yeah?

Reality is a variable which depends on who is spinning the tale.

It saddens me to hear people get on their high- horses and use invalid trump cards without ever really thinking things through from the beginning.

There are the religious people who throw the trump card, “The Bible, Koran, Confucius, Torah, Budda…Says…” and that is supposed to end any further discussion.

There are the materialists that keep throwing Science up as their trump card without ever examining their thought processes either. That is even more distressing. They claim the scientific method trumps just Faith. Yet they have faith in things which are just as much of a story as Venus rising from the waves. 

We have dogma. According to Wikipedia, “Dogma is a principle or set of principles laid down by an authority as incontrovertibly true. It serves as part of the primary basis of an ideology, nationalism or belief system, and it cannot be changed or discarded without affecting the very system’s paradigm, or the ideology itself.” 

The fight between the dogmas is just like the dogs above with the stick. “Its mine…no its mine.” The basis behind almost every war.

The materialists say things like…”I can’t see God, so it doesn’t exist.” (Well, that seems silly…since we have microwaves, music and all sorts of smells that can’t be seen either.) That does not mean it doesn’t exist. It only means we are infants in this universe and do not have enough ways of discerning something. You can never prove something does NOT exist.

…But I love this! This is where I bring in Gravity! Still materialists will say, I can SEE gravity work so that is real. 

What is Gravity? I will let you Google that, because the closest thing that science can say is it pulls matter together. Gravity is undefinable, just observable.  

Notice that the religious people use the exact same method of validation in their definition for God: “See the universe and all it’s amazing intricate complexities? This is an observable mathematical wonder that proves he/she/it exists. A painting can only exist if there is a painter.

So what materialists have done is given the word gravity to an observable unknowing interaction. That is when I say, lets switch words. Lets give gravity a new name…lets call it God. 

Now we have a construct, both unknowable, both do things that are observable but not definable, why is either name wrong? They are both just words for something we know little about. Calling it gravity, instead of calling it God does not clarify a thing! It is a dogma that we fall down on when we don’t know what we are talking about. One unknown, undefinable or the other still gets us no where. Everything is an infants story of how the universe works. 

Yes, science can take the few tinker toys we have and build a toy house, but never seem to be able to give the construct a complete enough infrastructure to make it work!

The cover of Scientific America May 2014 throws out an often repeated story to the gurus of the religion called science. It says: “A Crisis in Physics?” The article talks about the belief that was going to pull everything together appears to have died. In other words, just like the dozen or so other times that brilliant minds have come up short, they are almost faced with the confession that what they declared as fact is indeed fiction. 

That is the good part of science, at least at some point they may admit they are wrong, but it takes hell-in-a-hand-basket to get that.

As a philosopher that constantly examines reality, I see no point in arguing what is true, only what is perceived. Since every perception is relative any expressed perception or experience honestly conveyed has validity.

We don’t need more wars. We don’t need more dogma. We need to listen. We need the freedom to explore. We need to share without trump cards. 

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful journey to enjoy?

Hugs, Pam

Dealing with NEVER…the word that ends something.

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Philosopher comments on Reality, SocietyLeave a comment

NOT That…

One thing is for sure, everyone reading this (outside of bots) are inhabiting a biological unit.

That deteriorating biological unit comes with an expiration date.

Nobody likes that, so we pretend it does not exist. It is the fault of everyone else or things, or insurance etc. 

I sometimes have a hard time with people when they start ranting about their 95 year old parent getting an infection and dying in the hospital. They act like death could have been avoided? 

There IS an EXPIRATION date in everyone’s folder, but that is not what I wish to talk about today. 

The term NEVER has horrible connotations. We use it when dreams and expectations come to a final conclusion. “You will never walk again.”; “You can never have kids.” “He/She will never love you again.” These are definitely impactful statements that require rearrangement in thoughts, mind, and heart.

How do you deal with the envisionment of your life story terminating. Well I can pretty much guarantee there will be a time of bewilderment. You should properly mourn your loss with grieving rituals, but set a time limit.

When we envision our future we create a narrative and a dialog of what we think it will be…but it is just a story. There are sooo many stories and “Happily Ever After” is rarely one. We KNOW that we should do this… and run full steam in that direction anticipating that it will go straight to the simple conclusion, but that is not so.

Our story is more like a map, but we are too blind to see it that way. Our journey of life gets insights to turn left here; join a group, go to college, marry this person, take this job, move to this location etc. And we somehow always take the stand that this is the ONE direction into infinity. 

There are many twists and turns that will happen but as linear-time-line entities we never want to anticipate doing anything but going straight through the direction the left turn took us forever.

Try looking at life as a GPS device. “For NOW, I will do this…”; “I went in that direction until I came to a new cross road and was told to turn right.” Can right at this intersection of the journey of life be right at this location but wasn’t right for the last decision. Yes! Timing is everything. You can’t easily get to work if you take the exit before the one that takes you to your work location.

Never just means you have to make another selection, it is not a termination of your travels unless it is a termination. If we look on Never as a detour sign, or a reroute it is simply the opportunity to create a new story, than we can deal with Never. Your story gets a refresh, much more creative and entertaining opportunities await.

You might never walk again, but that single person hover craft you will invent works so much better! You make new goals and challenges and as soon as you decide on the new direction and let go of the past fantasies you can again enjoy life.

Life is a convoluted map and all we need to do is keep going forward with a story. Pick a story that energizes you and that you have some control over. (“…When I win the lottery”…puts you in a forever holding pattern. There is no travel there.) 

The saddest most depressed people are not the poor ones, the broken ones, the lonely ones…it is a person without a direction and a story. 

And guess what? You are totally in charge of your story and can change it with just a thought. Striving is fun…succeeding is not necessary, but a direction is.

The power of your story is everything. I hand over to you the key to the universe. Create the amazing entity that will be you…not once but at every intersection of life, and enjoy that journey.

Hugs, Pam

When Choosing a Partner, Look for the Negative

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

Wrong music

Making a decision about a mate is most often made by looking at what is desired. He must be tall; she must be thin. Must be a beautiful person, make lots of money etc etc.

We shop like it is a grocery list. “Sorry you do not meet my criteria. You’re dismissed.” This is totally the wrong way to look for a frail human companion.

The most important thing is to look at their faults. That’s right…their faults. These are the things that will cause you to tear your hair out down the road. 

A relationship is not a trophy on your arm for the evening this is a lifetime dance, or at least a decent length commitment.

If their worse fault is something you can tolerate and accept, you might have a match. It is the worse side of your partner that has to be examined yet we only look at the cover of the box.

I usually tell the men I date..(not that I am doing that very much at my age) that I do not call it a relationship until we have had a fight and get past it. 

The main reason is that you see people’s true colors when they are mad. Also if you can figure out a mutual conflict-resolution methodology that both of you can tolerate…you might have a winner. Until then it is just a getting to know you waltz.

Most things GOOD will change. He could lose his job. She could get pregnant and fat. None of those components will stay stable, but a mutual commitment toward conflict resolution will give you a firm grounding for a REAL relationship.

Life will NEVER be perfect. The Cinderella Story is just that, a story. What makes things work is examination, communication and integrity of effort. 

The role we play for our significant other gets old after a while and we can only pretend to be a perfect person for so long. None of us are perfect. *gasp*

Men and women are different. Our needs are different. If one member of the group is unhappy and we haven’t the energy or the commitment to figure out where things have gone astray…the relationship will enter the ending phase.

You may find out that the people that have the character traits for an enduring relationship are just the opposite of your original shopping list. He might not make much money, because he puts his efforts toward his relationships. She might not be as thin, because she spends more time on others than on herself and vanity.

So if what you really want is a relationship that will last? Try looking on both sides of the shopping list… the good and the bad. If they are short on the good but you can tolerate their worse. You might still have a great deal.

Enjoy the journey. Hugs, Pam

We do not live for Reality; We live for our Fantasies.

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Philosopher comments on RealityLeave a comment

…and they lived happily ever after.

What is true about our dreams? …About comic books? …About making Barbie talk to her doll friends? …About having your action heros save the day? …About watching a movie? …Reading a novel? …Seeing art or visualizing reality in a different way through music or touch?

All creativity is intrinsically valuable and it can make us happy, sad or introspective. The very components that we value as humans are materially NOT Real. Courage, Loyalty, Peace, Creativity, Beauty, Love, Challenge, Wonder etc. are Not touchable in this material world? 

Many of these things that we value and can not touch we have made a representation for in this material world, but are still not really touchable themselves. Music, writing, math, ideas are all non-material but we work like crazy on those items trying to show what contains our real passion. 

Watching a garden grow has its own intrinsic value even if the crop doesn’t quite work out, the process intrigues us and makes us happy. We wonder, ponder and that is where we reap joy. Questions, not answers, engage happiness.

If you think about it, very little of the material world makes us happy for very long at all. All material information or things do not trigger in us anything more than a temporary satisfaction. 

When we look back on our life, we might say “That was a sweet ride.” of a car we owned, but was it the car or the girl you got into the car that made it sweet? If everyone else thought it an ugly car would it have been as valuable. The components of this real life are validated by the non-real.

The identity of humanity does not lie in the material world. 

The material world IS the game! We judge if we are winning by the $ we get just like points. We might count our popularity polls or the votes we can get, but we are aware that all of these things are transitory. They can shift at any moment. 

So how and why do we persist in stating as derogatory that “something is not real”?  “Not Real” contains the most value in our search for happiness and satisfaction.

It seems sad that we are not allowed to express our childlike thrills unless given a material spacial-excuse for such behavior. You can only be silly or crazy at a party, bar, or a specially allocated location designated to say you’re allowed to fantasize, such as a theme park or interactive play.

When we get up in the morning we do not live for coffee, the news, hygiene rituals, laundry or traffic; We live for the conception of the future that is currently a dream…vacation, weight loss, finding love, retirement, saving the world, going on tv or any other illusion that gives our life a goal and a meaning that sends our mind into fantasy. 

It is one of my favorite statements now and I say it often, when someone states what is truly not real. 

We do not live for reality; We live for out fantasy! Enjoy Yours!

Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philsopher

Seeking Romance Online?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal RelationshipsLeave a comment
10 points to examine
A delightful plan to shop for a like-minded person online…IF what you read online was 100% true.

First decide the probability of truth for each item you read.

A huge amount of profiles on dating sites are foreigners working the site…trolling for lonely hearts, which they eventually wish to get close enough to… to spin a story that will wring money from you.

The list to the left is one I put up on Facebook for my friends. 

I work my recommendations almost daily, examining for those items listed.  Verbal communication almost instantly identifies a fraud. 

None of these by itself says they are a fraud but with each combination the odds go up exponentially. Some dating sites give you 3-24 suggested matches, based on your location, or profile questions.

Look for income first. If they list income (which you should never do on a public website) and it is high, you know they are begging for a response. In this economy everyone is seeking to add security to their lifeline. If you do have a high income the last thing you want are gold diggers, so only those who don’t have it will list it.

Like I advise in my book do not ask people for answers to “What?” questions, like: “What kind of car do you drive?” “What do you do for a living?” Questions that ask for What? will get you a huge chance of being a fabrication. Instead, Ask why? Why did you decide to buy that kind of car? Why did you choose that profession?

If their first comments are generic and highly complementary. “You have such a lovely smile.  I want to make you mine. I can tell you have a loving heart. We belong together.” Anything you would put on candy hearts or the back of a romance novel should be a red flag. No one has talked to you yet, they can’t possibly discern WHO you are or make any kind of absolute statement in such a void.

I would say that 75% of your responses (unless you are indeed a super model) will be of this caliber. Prepare in advance. Do not set your heart on any story spun for you. That includes the ones spun when you meet them in real. Falsifications happen in real as well as online.

Expect rejection. Can’t emphasis this enough. When men go online they expect super models, not real women, plus they want the loving devoted female that will sacrifice for them and support them. This is almost a total oxymoron. Those who are focused on “I” and getting all the right clothes, makeup and exercise are not going to lose all that to focus on you. What you get if you land one of these is a princess. You are their to serve HER.

If you are a woman looking for the successful alpha male that looks like a movie star you will get the same thing, plus you won’t be valued and can be replaced at anytime with a new gal to stroke his ego.

We do not live for reality; we live for our fantasy. People don’t believe their desires are a fantasy, but the emphasis you place on the components of this life tells you what is valued. If that is not what you value you need to rethink what you are shopping for.

Send messages with questions and don’t think about them again unless they respond. So you send out 10 messages a night and then not get any response for a month. That is OK!! In fact that is desirable. What you are shopping for is your Match. You are a unique person. You are fishing through a whole ocean of creatures. That takes time.

Be yourself and work it like a job. If you are serious and want a companion and think it is too time consuming to do trial and errors at a bar or church, then online is perfect. I particularly like virtual worlds to date in first, but if it is a real life companion your shopping for you’re gonna have to meet them in real.

Don’t be discouraged. This is an adventure and with each hiccup you have a wonderful story to relate.

Good luck, be cautious and keep everything disassociative until your match arrives.

Hugs, Pam

Are you of Less value if your alone?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Society, UncategorizedLeave a comment

A Light undiscovered?

It is interesting this holiday season how many sad comments I am getting about the fact that I am no longer partnered. That means I am physically in my abode by myself. “OMG how horrid for you during the holidays?”

Trying to explain my feelings seem to be irrelevant.

Being alone is the natural state of being. We are all alone in our mind. No one invades or truly knows who we are but us.

Whether you interact in a group or not you are still inside your mind seperate. Even in a crowd you are alone. How many suffer going through the motions of doing what everyone else expects as normal interactions because it is perceived as the only option? Is that you? Or is that the ritual you go through to block out your own thoughts?

I often think of crowds of family and friends as “television,” just background noise to our existence.  Sometimes interactions are the pinochle of life’s existence as you are enlightened and share something internally important. Those times are rare and wonderful, soul to soul communication, and certainly do not always coincide with large groups of people or holidays.

Face to face communication is perceived as the ONLY real interaction, Really? I drove an hour in traffic to get to a face to face meeting of a new Meetup group in downtown Orlando labeled as technology and education, which as you know is my particular interest. The meet up was 5 guys at a bar. I stayed an hour and found a few things in common but left shortly and drove the hour back. Then I logged online with a Google Hangout and had an absolutely stimulating engagement with several different minds across the world that made my slide into sleep quite fulfilled with new perspectives.

Saying that nothing is of value without physical face to face means you have never been enlighten by a particularly moving piece of music? a book? an email? a phone call? or an online communication?

I watch in the middle of December the sprouting of my newly planted seeds of spinach and lettuce with great delight. Nature is still responding with more than I am giving it. I am blessed! 

I have a vision that I am working toward, a goal… a purpose in life that I think adds value not only to myself with the journey, but for others as well. Whether it comes to fruition or not is irrelevant. I have a story and a plot in my life.

At the time of my parting this biological avatar I will be alone. No one can take that last journey with you. It is only my thoughts I will be examining upon exit. If I have never been alone with them before because I spent my time covering them with loud background noises of others, I expect it would be quite a shock and empty. Will you have fulfilled your purpose in life? Have you identified who YOU are?

When I talk to people I listen carefully for where their values lay and the breakdown is pretty much like Eleanor Roosevelt broke it down in her quote. “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Those who gossip and find their energy bringing down others are only interested on climbing over bodies and contribute nothing. Those who spend their time observing the world events to make comments that entail no action can be replaced with a good news program. So the only ones that feed society are those that deal with new spins on thoughts and take action to help move them forward. Who are these people? They are the ones that have spent time examining their thoughts and others, so they have had to have turned down the background noise and been alone!

Being Alone is absolutely necessary to bring a person to fruition. It is not only of value, it is essential. If you find yourself alone and morning that no one is there to share with, keep that time short, then turn around and get to know that person that never leaves…YOU!

Amazing how wonderful life is when you live in your own skin and think your own thoughts. Life is good if you have that freedom and have spent the time to like yourself. 

However you envision the Divine, it is your responsibility to get to know how you can interact with it. Whether you think of it as your totem animal, the universe, God or a golden monkey there is that spark that says there is more to know and you have to find a path toward that.

Be not Afraid!

We all travel this journey alone, Together!

Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philosopher)

Who Am I?

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, Philosopher comments on RealityLeave a comment

The Eternal Question!

We are pummeled back and forth with expectations and cultural and ethical guidelines, but in these constructs do we find who we are? Or do we just create an acceptable facade? 

How many voices are in our heads? How many rule books do we have to play to? When do we sift those things that don’t work for us into an acceptable vision of who we really are?

I role play in life. I was a Mom because some wonderful little human beings came out of my body. I was a clown because I felt I needed a life with smiles. I was a military airman in law enforcement because I had always grown up around the military and men. I could go on listing roles I have played, but which ones were me? Each carried a component of me, but all drastically different and each had parts I did not like.

In virtual worlds we role play as well. To dig into our many facets of self the virtual world is a much faster venue than real life experiences to bounce off any newly created vision of ourselves. We make more mistakes faster online. What do we like? What does not hit our unique personality music?

The job now is just like Michelangelo said when he looked at a piece of marble. You are somewhere in that rock of a life, now chip away the things that are NOT you one at a time to see a clear vision and beauty of the composite of you. 

The hardest part is throwing things away. Saying No to those expectations that you are doing because of some external pressure that is not the person you truly would like to be.

I think this society needs a class on saying, “NO. Sorry that doesn’t work for me.” We might actually as a culture begin to see true value?

So what have you said NO to today? Which chip of marble did you cut off to get closer to you?

Enjoy the Journey.

Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philosopher)

The Pain was So Bad,

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal RelationshipsLeave a comment

…How can I love again?

Having a breakup can put you in the gun-shy group, where you live and relive what things SHOULD have been, and question what went wrong.

Then when you meet someone else you hold up the same things that were pleasant in the previous relationship and now see them leading you down the path of destruction. All pleasant things are now seen bad.

How can you get pass that and let yourself love again?

Yep, it was hard. Yep, your friends are really really tired of hearing your tale of woe and how it should have been, or how your ex is re-spinning the story that was the two of you into something it was never, just so they can justify themselves and their reactions.

There is only one way to get back into the game. You need to Forgive in Advance! Everyone is only human. We all spin the story of how we would like to be perceived, but if the story is only an ideal and falls apart and they realize they failed, they will push you away. They are in love with the story line that was the two of you, but no longer can keep up with the part they thought they could be.

Since life is full of hiccups and failed attempts, the only way to survive is to know that it will have difficulties and your story will never be perfect.

I have started dating again. God help me.. rofl. I let myself love, fully and childlike. I had a great time for as long as the mini-story lasted. Then the drama happened, the inconsistencies started and the vision that was painted initially fell to the way side and the dark side came out.

People had seen us. I am going to be perceived as having failed. What will my friends think? All these things can go through your mind as you examine what happened, but it is quickly removed when you have “Forgiven in Advance”. 

It is all ok. You are ok. Puzzle pieces match or they don’t, that doesn’t mean that the puzzle piece has no value, just that it doesn’t fit here.

If we have forgiven in advance that trials are absolutely going to happen, then we are no longer surprised. You have thrown down pillows to protect yourself from the fall.

Love is still a wonderful feeling and story line. We all wish to embrace the “Happily Ever After” fairy tale, but that really doesn’t exist. We have to carve out our own little messy story of love and there will be trials, but we live for the journey, not the destination, so enjoy your explorations.

Love & Forgive, both yourself and others. Best of Luck with your contacts and bounce backs.

Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philosopher)

Digital Mistress

On By Pamala CliftIn Interpersonal Relationships, SocietyLeave a comment

Is that Cheating?

A virtual exercise partner in the horizontal mamba, or in other words, a digital mistress is becoming more and more prevalent.

Men need female support and those tantalizing comments that awaken the testosterone components that keep them driving forward. Some naughty words that make them smile and gives them drive.  

The woman that understands that they have needs becomes valuable. That naughty little comment between meetings, or the photo of a body part is like a vitamin B shot for men. (Hence, here comes the digital mistress.) Men have lost a good portion of that support from the in-depth relationship that use to be considered the norm.

According to the NYT the US government census says married couples are no longer the majority. The majority of us are single.

Men are no longer the only bread winners, they no longer can keep women sheltered and compulsively tied to a relationship because there is no other economical way out and so women are leaving relationships. 

So what we have are men that couldn’t understand the woman that they married desires, or their women didn’t care about their man’s needs, looking for that shot of adrenaline in the quickest way possible.

Women want to be needed but can’t take the rest of the components of male, but still enjoy the story line and fantasy of being desired. I hear all the time from women that are considering relationships with other women just to get away from the single-minded hedonistic component of the normal “being a guy”.

How is this going to break down for society? 

We see now that porn is widespread and that texting seems to have taken over face-to-face communications. If our input and exchanges continue in this direction men will never understand females and their emotional needs, they will get their fix, virtually.

Women see the base need for sex as secondary. Men see it as primary. If men can get their primary need satisfied why take on all the components of a long term relationship? The horrors of having to learn to be gentle and tolerant of the emotional confusion estrogen inflicts on women?

In this economically low point of the world, porn still brings in the money.

In this economically low point of the world, porn still brings in the money.

 The superficiality of male and female relationships is turning into the same problem as fast food; we are all going to get soft on the skills that have meaning. Less people can cook for themselves, the need to be able to put together a balanced meal has gone to the side and we are getting unhealthy and fat. Will our relationships just turn into that same lazy component?

Is there a way to reach a balance before it totally gets away from us?

What do you think?

Hugs, Pam (The Roadside Philosopher)