With a new hosting service I decided to test out this wordpress theme before I transfer over 100+ blog posts. So here goes my test blog on older relationships.

Marriage is a cultural-supporting commitment that insures the two of you will stay together to finish raising a family. (We mostly go into this relationship thinking it is FOREVER) The bottom line is: No one should leave the other one with more obligations and no additional support. Families are a huge undertaking.

This commitment is supported by our culture, which also does not believe such a circumstance should occur, hence they have family court to even out the playing field…supposedly.
So Marriage in today’s terms is a 3 party commitment and a legal term inviting the country’s laws into a couple’s relationship.

If a division must follow you are obligated to go through this 3rd party before a seperation can occur. Everything is exposed and displayed in court records about who did what, or the least, who gets to pay what.

Does marriage have anything really to do with the couple’s vows to each other? Not really. Nothing is displayed in any record keeping location as to what you promised each other. Yet, we continue to label ONLY the 3 party commitment as marriage?

I have heard absolutely horrendous family-court resolutions that fail miserably on both fairness and amicability. Family court is ruled by unchallengeable god-like entities with no oversight options at all. This alone would be a huge hiccup for anyone considering marriage at any age.

The family court system needs options for outside arbitration, which does not mean only the one with the most caustic personality and most money wins. When you’re married in today’s society you are inviting this unsettling 3rd party into your beloved relationship.

So as an older person seeking companionship your concern is not really wishing to legally compel your chosen to stay with you, as much as it is to not have either of your finances trashed by health issues of your new companion, nor remove options for your children’s inheritance.

As it stands now, if you marry, you are legally compelled to pay the medical debts of your husband/wife. As I always say, “We are all inhabiting a deteriating biological unit with an expiration date.” None of us know how long that will be or how things will go, but if we are not hiding our heads in the sand, we have to acknowledge that you must have an acceptable exit strategy.

As a senior, hopefully we have learned a few things in life as to what is important. Companionship IS important. There are many scientific studies proving that those alone will die sooner than those with a companion’s support.

We would naturally be seeking to find someone compatible and honest. When we find that elusive someone, commitment is desired along with cohabitating arrangements. Does that need marriage?

I have coined the phrase “End of Life Partner”. This might not seem all that romatic, but it definitely says what is expected. Someone who will be with you when you have to be in the hospital. Someone who assists you with remembering your pills or reads the small print when you forgot your glasses. This is someone who cares for you enough to ride that slippery slope toward exitinction with your concerns foremost in their mind. Having a medical advocate when you’re not conscious is a priceless commodity.

So instead of blindly inviting the 3rd party of unconsciousable-fluctuating-societal overlords into your relationship, set up the terms and expectations of your End of Life Partnership.

In my circumstances, I owned the house and created a will that allows him to stay on (if I pass) by simply paying the mortgage and upkeep until he passes or leaves. The property would then transfer to my children.

Now he pays a monthly rent, has his own room, mailbox, bank accounts and debts. We share only what we wish with each other and there is nothing other than our verbal commitment and desire that keeps us together.

What I have discovered is that I am less of a nag. I don’t yell at him because he spends his money on stuff I believe is ill advised. I do not own any of his assets/debt so their is no consequences for me to endure, hence I am left with “Fine, just fine.” when my opinion has been disregarded. We move on.

Our only requirement of each other is to create a will and medical advisories so that we can follow through on the other’s wishes.

Being there for each other and honestly communicating both good and bad feelings is huge enough. Anyone who has been in any kind of a relationship, knows that reaching a mutual acceptable compatible living arrangement is not simple. It is very personal, complex and important.

Worrying if you can support a person who may fall into Alzheimer’s three months after you made a marriage commitment is not something you should have to consider. Such a poor future-predicting decision could rob you of your lifetime savings and living arrangements, not only leaving you without the companion you desired, but without hope of sustainability.

So choosing and End of Life Partner, vowing to each other what you wish to share and coming up with proper living expectations is very personal and very God-like commitment to each other’s service. If you are religious and believe you are committing sin by committing to another’s service without expectation, consider a new religion.

Enjoy the journey.

Hugs, Pam